It’s November 21, 2 months after I wrote my last blog entry.
I thought okay na ako. Dadaan ka pa pala ng depression sa cycle of grieving and here I am at rock bottom.
My friends told me to stop using the words “hirap na hirap na ako”, but for documentation’s sake, punyeta, it’s really f*cking difficult! I finally conceded and took my doctor’s advice kaya eto ako ngayon, having myself treated. I want to get well. I want to return to my normal self. Iba ang naging effect sa akin ng pinagdaanan ko na ito. Binaon ako. Baon na baon. Hirap ako umahon. It has been a year and hindi talaga ako umayos fully. It went so bad that I had to listen na to my doctor.
Going through this sh*t is not easy. Especially the first few weeks of treatment. I cannot find the right words how to describe how horrible it is. I always say, it is not something you would wish for your worst enemy. Imagine, gigising ka every day at 3am with a super fast heartbeat and with so much anxiety. Wala pa naman ako iniisip pero ganun na agad pakiramdam ko. Parang ang dami daming tao nagsasabi na nagmamahal sayo and yet you feel so alone. Try niyo magising ng 130 am and hindi makatulog anymore. Dilat ka lang. Nagiisip. Umiiyak. Try niyo gumising ng 330am ng nagpapalpitate na wala ka naman iniisip na iba. Try niyo gumising everyday filled with dread and hopelessness. Tragis talaga. Mapapamura ka sa frustration.
I already lost 34 lbs. I’m now 96 lbs. Sobra ko payat. Hindi siya nakakatawa. Hindi din ako natutuwa. Yung mga two piece swimsuits ko, maluwag sa akin. Pati pati at bra ko, maluluwag na.
I am still with my psychiatrist. We do psychotherapy and he’s in charge of my meds. I’m still with Leah Eriguel who has been helping me so much in this entire ordeal. I started with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with Aileen Ang.
Tae. Lahat na talaga gagawin ko, ma-iahon ko lang sarili ko dito sa kinalalagyan ko na ito.
It’s not mostly for me. I want to get well for Anika. I want to be able to laugh and enjoy things with her again. Ayaw ko nakikita ako ng anak ko na malungkot. In fairness to me, hindi ako naglulugmok in front of her kahit na that’s how I feel. I try my best to act happy. Pero matatalino ang mga bata. Hindi yan mga tanga. Lalo na anak ko. Napaka-maritess and ang empathy niya sa tao, kakaiba. She knows I’m going through something. She can feel it. She can sense it. And minsan, kita naman kasi madalas ako natutulala. I told her may pinagdadaanan lang kako si Nanay. I thanked her for understanding me and I asked for her patience. Sabi ko sa kanya, ganyan talaga ang buhay, anak. Minsan madadapa ka. Pero kailangan mo bumangon and lumaban.
I wish ganyan ako magsalita everyday. There are moments, especially in the mornings when I wake up, na talaga namang hindi mo na alam paano magmamakaawa kay God na alisin na yung pain, yung bad feelings, yung side effects, yung grief, yung depression, yung restlessness, yung fear…
Bago pa lang ako dito sa stage na ito. Wala pang two weeks. I know I still have a long way to go. When I think about it, I get frustrated. But Leah taught me to be always in the moment. My best friends tell me to always be positive kahit mahirap. So bawal ako magmessage sa kanila na “hirap na hirap na ako”. Ang imemessage ko pagnahihiraparan ako is “I CAN DO IT!”. Para akong loka loka.
I always pray to God. Noel counsels me every week and we do bible study. I joined a DGroup na ang babait ng mga tao. I read devotionals sa Bible app (you should also try it). Wala na akong ibang kakapitan except si God. He has a reason why I am going through this. Sabi ng psychiatrist ko, God’s time is never too early nor is it too late.
Apart from Noel who’s in Australia, I’m in touch naman with my family. Si Wowa nasa bahay nagste-stay para samahan muna ako. I message my dad almost everyday. I keep begging him to come home na. Faye messages me every now and then. I message my friends whenever I feel everything is too much. Sawang sawa na sila malamang sa akin.
I pray malagpasan ko ito. One moment at a time nga lang daw. Be at the present always.