Eto na siya guysssssss! I’ll show you na how our house renovation turned out. So sorry natagalan ng slight. Hinanap ko pa diwa ko after all the moving out, moving in, fixing of everything and settling down. I’ll be doing the before and after photos of our renovation per area ha? Para ma-emote ko siya more thoroughly.

Before I start, I wanna tell you a little background about our house. Our family house sits on a 240 sqm. lot. Yung house miso back then was like 150 sqm lang yata na bungalow.

Wowa and Lolo Papa bought it in the early 80s. I think I was 2 years old while Toots was only a year old when we moved in. LT and Faye moved in with us when I was in 3rd grade yata. I lived there until the first half of my first year in high school. I went to live with Wowa after that. Wag niyo na itanong kung bakit, mahabang kwento. Lelz. However, I still go home to our family house every now and then naman. Same with my brothers, when they went to college, they lived with Wowa and me. Walking distance kasi yung bahay ni Wowa sa La Salle so it was very convenient. But even if we were living with Wowa, we’d still go home every weekends.

Anyway, years passed. I got married and lived with Alvin. My brothers have na their own condominiums. Faye married and lived na with Fonz. LT lived na also in Sta. Rosa. You all know Lolo Papa lives in Amsterdam and Wowa’s living in her own condo as well. So wala na tumitira there in our family house. LT just goes there every now and then to clean and check it out.

Kaya siya napunta sa amin.

My first thought when they offered the house to us was that kailangan gawing maaliwalas ang bahay. I have this thing for free flowing energy/eklaver sa bahay. Gusto ko maluwag. Gusto ko when I go inside the house, kita ko na lahat ng parte ng bahay ko. Gusto ko maaliwalas.

In short, even before the renovations started, alam ko na how our house is going to be. I showed my pegs to Alvin. Let’s start with our living room.

Here’s how our living room looked like before.

BEFORE

I think in it’s 35 years of existence, once lang yata na-renovate itong house namin.

As you can see, colored cement tile pa siya dati. Our main door was an old school Narra heavy door. There was a screen that I never remembered we open that led to a lanai.

This is how it looks like now after the renovation.

AFTER

I moved the front wall ng 2 meters nearer sa gate to make the sala space bigger. Best idea ever.

I asked Alvin to make the window taller so we can have an option to make it into a window seat. I also had the lanai doorway bigger. By doing that, we had to put extra beams and columms kasi load bearing ang mga walls na pinagtiti-tibag ko.

For the windows and the lanai door, instead of aluminum windows and sliding door, I opted to put the old school steel casement windows. I wanted a lot of natural light coming in. I wanted also na tagusan ang hangin.

Sinabi ko na ba na it’s a lot harder to renovate an existing house compared to demolishing everything and starting from scratch?

Well, totoo yun.

Anyway, I let Alvin design the lighting of the entire house. Siya kako bahala. Sa kanya na yan. So there, para kaming stockholder ng Meralco sa dami ng ilaw nilagay ni Mr. Sombrero. Pero aminin niyo, napaka-ganda ng effect.

I chose a black, white and gray color scheme. Malamig kasi sa mata. We chose gray tiles na 60×60. May drama pa yang tiles na yan which you all know about. The design was not my first choice but it turned out to be nice din so keribels.

This is the view facing the lanai. That Sacred Heart of Jesus statue has been there since the house was built. We are going to have it restored na and I am looking for a place where to put it. The wall were the statue is hung is made of Narra plywood. Hindi ko na siya kaya irestore so it had to go. Sayang din kasi mahal daw yun.

BEFORE

Here’s how that space looks like now.

I never realized how expensive shopping for curtains and curtain rod is! Lekat na yan. That curtain rood costs Php 3,400! I had to buy 3 for the sala and dining. The inexpensive curtain rod costs Php 400. Ang cheap din tingnan. Sayang naman na ang ganda ng bahay tapos hindi maganda yung small details na ganyan. And the curtains! Emergerd. Php 800 ang isang panel. For that lanai door alone, four panels yan. So I had to buy 8 panels kasi siyempre yung pamalit. Wasak ang wallet! Pero kasi the curtains can make or break the interior design of your house eh so okay na din to invest.

This is the before photo of this part of the house.

Ganito na siya now.

I removed all the curves in the old house and ginawa kong straight ang openings. I also made the opening to the kitchen a lot bigger para mas free flowing. It was a nice idea also to put a breaker by the stairs beside the bookshelf. Gosh, I love my bookshelf but I won’t discuss that now. I have an entire blog post dedicated just for it! Haha!

The TV stand there, I had it made. It matches the laminated bookshelf.

For the living room, everything was about additional space. As in pwede ka magtumbling sa loob.

It’s also very airy. Menos sa electric fan sa gabi hehe. Kidding aside, ang presko dito sa bahay. Wowa was just here and I think dadalas siya dito kasi ang sarap tumambay.

Here’s what the living room looks like with furniture. I will blog about this when we finish decorating the whole house ha. Temporary furniture pa lang ang mga iba ditey. Ipon ipon pa muna ng konti for new furniture and decor.

We got the lighting fixture in the sala from Ikhea in CW Home Depot. Yuh. Ikhea talaga ang name ng store lelz.

You have to know also that walang For Construction plan that we followed. Widow lahat yan including the electrical. Everything was written down lang in a paper. Hindi yan advisable ha? Like sa electrical, we had to move some sockets kasi there was no furniture layout being followed. Pagkatapos dun lang nakikita na mali. Extra labor and extra materials ang na-waste.

Nevertheless, at least, na-iraos namin. I like, no, I love how our living room turned out. Nandito lang kami always. We watch movies together.

For replacement na yung sofa namin dapat. Ayaw ni Alvin. Ipalinis na lang daw. That is what I’m looking for right now –> taga linis ng sofa. I hope they can remove some of the stains too, though hindi naman halata masyado.

I’ll show you the improved version soon. I ordered a new center table from Upcycle Manila. I relocated also the blogging table. Iniisip ko ngayon what to put in the walls on both side of the window. I need an interior designer to help me decide for me. Hahahaha!

Osha, until the next post! Leave your questions in the comment area ha? I’d love to answer them!

Top: SHOP.MYKA.LIMCHOC; Pants: UNIQLO; Shoes: CLN; Bag: GIVENCHY

Ang dami sanang plans this weekend: school field trip of Anika to Ocean Park, one of her bffs’ baking birthday party and magpapa-wax sana ako.

Kaso waley. Anika got sick. She was having low grade fever since Wednesday. No fever above 38.5. Nevertheless, nakaka-inis kasi heller, she just had pneumonia last October. Wala pang three months, may sakit ulit? She wasn’t able to go to her field trip nor to her bff’s birthday party. We went to her pedia instead. I knew she has Viral Exanthem kasi she had rashes. Her pedia confirmed it. She was also asked to have urinalysis so we went to Healthway in Alabang to have it done. Eh yun nga nga. Anika has UTI. That explains the fever. Weird lang because it doesn’t hurt daw to pee. Pwede pala yun. She’s taking na antibiotics for that and her fever stopped. Thank God.

While we were in the pedia, Alvin went to CSA to get Anika’s report card. Wala, olats her grades. They were still high, though lower than last term, but she got disqualified for an Eagle. May grade below 85 kasi siya. I won’t stress about it even though Alvin is. Babawi na lang kami mag-ina this term.

May drama-ramang ganap after mass kanina. It’ll be Alvin’s 40th birthday this Saturday. Anika and I have been planning for it. We asked his cousin to make a birthday cake. I had cookies made. I showed the designs to Anika. I told her it’s a secret. Anika got so hyped up. Magpeperform din daw siya during the party. Alvin and I talked about this before na. He’ll invite daw his relatives (so around 40 pax na yun) and his friends (so sobrang konti lang ang idadagdag). Around 50 plus lang daw. We’ll just hold it here sa house kasabay ng house warming.

However, after mass kanina, I bought up the subject again. I told him magpapa-cater na lang ako para less hassle and para hindi mahirapan naman masyado yung mga helpers namin.

Ayaw. Ayaw niya magpacater. Gusto magluto or magpaluto lang.

We went into an argument about it in the car. Ang point ko lang naman is gusto ko maayos. May budget naman for it and besides, hindi expensive yung kukunin ko. Minsan lang ito. Alvin never had a decent party in his life and this is his 40th birthday. Big deal yun. Lastly, I want to do this for him. I want to plan his party. He deserves it.

And again, MINSAN LANG TALAGA ITO.

Like once in his life.

The argument ended with Alvin telling me if we will just fight about his birthday party then hindi na lang daw siya magpaparty.

I said fine. Ang sama ng loob ko.

I went to the room and cried while doing my Operations Meeting reports for tomorrow.

After a while, I heard somebody go inside our bathroom. Sumisinghot and umiiyak.

I went inside the bathroom and saw Anika sitting on top of the bathtub ledge crying. I sat down on the foot stool. I was still crying.

ME: Why are you crying?

ANIKA: I heard that Tatay doesn’t want a party. I told him we already asked Ninang Nessie to do his cake and we already have cookies. Why would he not want a party? We are planning it already!

ME: Hayaan mo na. If he doesn’t want a party, let your Tatay be. It’s his birthday and di ba, it’s his choice.

Naiyak na lang ako. Umiyak kami mag-ina sa bathroom.

And then Alvin knocked and went inside the bathroom and hugged us. Sorry daw. Sige daw magplan na daw kami ng party niya. He didn’t know daw that we were planning already. Sorry daw.

After that, I went back to my reports while still hiccuping. Anika went out of the room. Lumapit ang Alvin.

ALVIN: Alam mo ba ginawa ng anak mo? Lumapit sa akin kanina. Sabi niya, “I’m mad at you!” tapos pumasok sa kwarto tapos nagsara ng pinto. Pinasok ko. Umiiyak. Sabi sa akin, “You know, Nanay is crying. You know why she’s crying? Because you don’t want a party. I’m mad at you because that’s half my idea too! You don’t want a party! I’m mad also! We already asked Ninang Nessie to make a cake and you have cookies already! But you don’t want a party! Why would you not want a party?! It’s your birthday and we’re planning it!”

Nakunsensya lolo mo kaya ayun, pinasok kami sa banyo and nagsorry.

I don’t know if matatawa ako or maiiyak eh. Hahahaha! Alvin was outnumbered so there, magpaparty kami with catering on Saturday.

Yey!!!!!!

Happy Sunday everyone! I have a party to plan!

Top: STRADIVARIUS; Pants: LEVI’S; Shoes: NINE WEST

I did something wrong.

We all know now that when withdrawing the anti-anxiety medicines: (1) it shouldn’t be done abruptly and (2) you should follow your doctor’s orders.

I started with two pills a day, taken one in the morning and one in the evening. I felt better after a week. After that, we started lowering the dose to one tablet in the evening. After two weeks, due na ulit ang paglower ng dose. The doctor said half tablet in the morning and half tablet at night. Sabi ko, kaya ko naman yata ng half tablet a night na lang. The doctor gave me the go signal as long as daw kaya ko. If I palpitate during the day, I can take the half tablet to ease my unwelcome anxiety. That was in December. He told me that I’ll see him in the second week of January. I missed that appointment because I felt I was getting better. Nanguripot din kasi ako dun sa Php 2,000 per session niya na 30 minutes. Nagmarunong pa ako further and started taking my half tablet every other night na lang.

Inupakan ko pa yun chocolate cake yesterday kasi super sarap.

And so last night, I couldn’t sleep. I was palpitating like crazy! I was so anxious about nothing. I hate that feeling. It’s scary being anxious about nothing at all. Maiyak iyak ako kay Alvin. I wasn’t supposed to drink a half tablet last night kasi nga nagself medicate ako. Uminom ako and then I fell asleep.

I woke up before my alarm went off this morning. Palpitation galore. Like sobrang sobra, you cannot imagine. I went to the gym to exercise it off. Tumakbo ako. I noticed, ang tagal na ng takbo ko and I wasn’t getting tired. Grabe kasi palpitation. I stopped kasi baka ma-over work yung heart ko. I started to do my sit up, crunches etc. Hindi talaga ako napapagod. I stopped again. Tae. Katakot.

I was so anxious about nothing the whole time. I decided to drink another half tablet after breakfast.

Umayos pakiramdam ko.

Ngayon, gabi na, hindi na naman ako okay. I told Alvin I should have followed the doctor’s instructions at hindi dapat ako nagmarunong. Look at me now. I’m not okay. Food tastes like paper again. LBM galore ako. Tsk. Mali talaga. It doesn’t help that my therapist doesn’t have clinic this week. I will see him next week pa. Baka pagalitan ako nun.

So learnings, never self-medicate yourselves when given dangerous drugs like mine. Sumunod sa doctor. Nag-aral yan ng matagal so they know what to do.

Ayan tuloy, para akong ulitan. I was making so much progress. Alvin told me wag daw ako malungkot. I overcame it dati so I can do it again. Ang impatient ko kasi na frog eh. Kamote.

The positive thing here is that one, albeit my palpitations, I am functioning. Two, eto na naman, parang nagso-slow motion ang paligid ko. I am appreciating the small things again. Bumabalik sa akin that I shouldn’t rush and dwell on a lot of unnecessary things in life. I appreciate the need to relax. Nakabuntot na naman ako kay Sombrero. I’m sure feel na feel na naman niya. Lelz.

In times like these, talagang you have to look for positive things. Whether you have or you don’t have anxiety like mine, you always have to try to see something good in trying times. Mahirap but that is how you will overcome life. Lagi ka kakapit sa hope. Sa hope kumapit ha, wag sa ice cream. Magdadasal ka din more. If everything is too much, pray. Pray lang ng pray.

I hope I feel better asap. I have a 40th birthday to plan!

I just finished reading a blog comment from a “long time” reader daw.

Minsan talaga may mga taong tragis sa pagka-salbahe ano?

She said long time reader ko daw siya. Hindi daw siya basher. Sabi niya, she saw from my IG stories last night na hindi daw ako maganda. Nadadala lang daw ng mga damit ko and ng kaartehan ko kaya mukha akong maganda.

Hiyang hiya ako sa beauty niya, teh.

She also said that whatever that is happening to me now, I deserve it because I brought it upon myself. Reklamador daw kasi ako. Hindi lang daw ako ang Nanay sa mundo. At isa lang daw ang anak ko pero reklamo ako ng reklamo.

Hindi ko alam san lupalop etong palakang ito galing! Hindi ako nagrereklamo, ateng. Nakikipagchikahan ako sa blog ko. Baka akala niya pag may anxiety disorder ka, dahil yan sa kaka-reklamo mo sa buhay mo.

Ateng, CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. Google it.

Kahit sinong taong sobrang positive sa buhay, pagnagka-chemical imbalance, magkaka-ganito.

Research research muna bago magcomment.

And pag-isa lang ang anak, hindi na pwede magka-challenges? Gusto kitang sabunutan pero pagdadasal na lang kita.

And to think, long time reader ko daw siya ha and hindi daw siya basher.

Hahahahahaha!

Ang timing din niya magcomment ng ganun ano? Ngayon na talagang may sakit ako. Why do some girls really put an effort in putting other girls down? Inggit? Walang magawa? Or she has just that sick mentality na she’s doing a world a favor by being like that?

Don’t worry guys, dineadma ko siya. I deleted her message. Hindi ko na binigyan ng airtime.

Ang dami niyang oras ano? And despite everything that she has told me, basa pa din siya ng basa ng blog ko.

Ewan ko sino ang mas loka loka sa aming dalawa.

Hehehe.

Sa isang daan na very positive and very supportive comments that I get, negligible na ang nagiisang taong ganyan. A lion doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of a sheep (or for her, mas maganda gamitin ang cockroach).

Anyway, thank you very much guys for all the messages and well wishes.

However, I would just want to clarify that I DO NOT HAVE DEPRESSION. Wala po akong depression ha? Iniiwasan ko yan. What I have is anxiety disorder. Halos the same din ang symptoms ng dalawa except that I’m not sad all through out. I have not lost my interest in doing the things I like either. I am doing my very best to fight it. Ayaw ko mahulog sa sinkhole that is depression. Ang hirap umahon diyan mga ‘day. Kaya tama kayo. Laban lang ako ng laban. Pray lang ng pray.

For those of you who are asking what happened this morning, we went to the ER.

Ayan. Magkaiba na naman slippers ko kanina sa Asian Hospital Emergency Room. Nagiging trademark ko na yata yan.

Alvin brought me to the ER this morning at 130am because I was having tremors. Katakot. Nanginginig ako ng bongga! The doctors gave me muscle relaxant para tumigil and discharged me after. They told me that I should see my therapist. I need to tell him na pinakialaman ko yung dosage ko. Eto na siguro ang effect.

I have said this already pero gusto ko pa din sabihin ulit. Naiinis ako because I was doing so much progress. I made a mistake of magmarunong sa dosage (sa ka-atatan ko maging medicine free). Mali ginawa ko. Wag akong tularan. Ang hell ng feeling ngayon. Nakaramdam na ako ng ginhawa for the past weeks. Ngayon bumalik sa Day 1. Grrrrr!

I took a leave off work today. I went with Alvin to look for a temporary psychiatrist who I can see while I’m waiting for Wednesday when I can finally see my real one. Gusto ko lang siyang tanuning gaano ka-kamote ang ginawa kong pagtaper off ng medicine without doctor’s approval. I want to ask if may magagawa ba to make myself feel a little comfortable until Wednesday.

Wala akong nakitang psychiatrist.

I called an average of 6 psychiatrists in every one of the 5 hospitals that I knew. Nakausap ko lahat ng secretaries and not one of them was available to see me. Full na daw ang schedule for the day. The other is no longer accepting new clients. The others are on leave.

Ang in-demand ng psychiatrists pala! Grabeh!!!

Finally, after praying a lot, I found one for tomorrow so Alvin and I are going there.

I am really thankful for Alvin now. Ang tiyaga niya akong kausapin.

ALVIN: Bibilhan kita ng bag, gumaling ka lang.

ME: Hindi ako gagaling dun…

Silence.

ME: Wait. Kahit anong bag?

ALVIN: Oo kahit anong bag, gumaling ka lang.

Hmmm… tempting.

ME: Hindi na. Ikaw yung kailangan ko. Gusto ko lagi ka nandiyan.

ALVIN: Eh di bigyan mo ako ng motor. Hindi ako aalis pagbinilhan mo ako ng motor.

Che.

Hehehehehe!

Ilang days na lang. Konting tiis na lang, I will be able to see na my therapist. Please help me pray for myself ha?

Thank you guys. Love na love ko kayo!

It’s 6 in the morning and I was up since 4:30 am. I am waiting for Anika to wake up because she wants to serve “bed breakfast” (breakfast in bed) to Alvin. Gising na ang Alvin pero hindi makabangon kasi Anika told him not to wake up before she does. Hehe.

Anyway, yesterday I received messages from the two Michelles about my condition now.  I know that they both love me very much and somehow, masakit for them to see me going through this phase. And yesterday, inariba nila ako ng pangaral. Partida, coincidence lang.

You know, my two best friends are very different. Yung isa very tough and yung isa ay nuknukan naman ng gentle. So you can imagine the viber messages: yung isa tough love and yung isa malumanay pero tagos pa din.

At first, upon reading their messages, I had mild anxiety attack. But then I realized, these two people will be one of the last people who would want to hurt me. I slowly opened my mind and realized what they were saying made a lot of sense. They are not exactly anti-psychiatrist and anti the meds, ang kanila is you have to address the root cause of the anxiety. They want me stronger, stronger than I am now so I can get over this without chemicals getting inside my body.

I wanna share with you their advices. Why? Not all who are going through this have support group like mine. Since I blogged about mental health, I get an average of 2 messages a day from different ladies who tell me that they were or are diagnosed with this. Half of them are not supported by their families. It makes me sad. Eh during times like these, you really need your family and your closest friends by you. So hopefully, by sharing what Arnaiz and Pineda told me, makatulong din sa inyo. Here they are:

1. 1. Stay away from negative people. Surround yourself with positive beings and positive things.
   2. You have to learn how to filter the things you allow in your life otherwise you will get sucked in to all the negativity.
   3. Teach your mind to think positive and be happy.
   4. Call out to the positive people in your life when you need them.
   5. Start a journal. Write what triggers the anxiety and how you beat it.
   6. Everyday, write 5 things you are thankful for.
   7. Appreciate small things.
   8. Be humble and simple.
   9. Look to God for everything.
   10. Make your husband and child your priority.
   11. Time is precious so enjoy every minute of it with the people that matter in your life.
   12. Bawasan mo ang mga kailangan mong gawin. Make it simpler.
   13. Find your contentment spiritually.

One of my friends who had anxiety disorder before recommended that I do meditation. She showed me jbittersweet in Youtube. Super helpful for meditation beginners like me. I am highly recommending it to you guys. Nakatulog ako ng dere-derecho last night.

Osha, I will be going back na to Alvn’s birthday preps. I hope nakatulong sa inyo itong advices ng mga bestfriends ko. Have a great weekend everyone!

Maeko slept over last night here in our house. I didn’t know who was more excited, ako ba or si Anika. Hehe. Buti kasya pa ang mga bagets in one twin bed. They looked so adorable sleeping beside each other.

When I woke up the next morning, wala yung dalawa sa house. I panicked ng slight. And then ayun, pumasok yung dalawa each carrying a glass of taho. Ganda my morning seeing them laughing while sipping their taho.

We went to hear mass in our village church and since it the feast day of Sto. Nino, all the kids were asked to go to the front of the altar to be blessed.

After that, naki-fiesta kami sa Sto. Nino in Paranaque where almost all of Alvin’s relatives live. They ate and had games.

So how am I now.

I’m a bit better. I think my body is getting used to the dosage I am taking now (since the day I stupidly tampered with it). But I do not want to conclude yet until I see my therapist on Wednesday. The panic attacks still come, greater when I wake up and at night. They come at least 5 times during the day. I learned the art of deep breathing when I have these attacks. Five seconds breathing in, holding it for 2 seconds and exhaling for 5 seconds. Nawawala naman ng slight afterwards.

I know I have to stop reading (and believing) everything that is in google but I read about the difference between a panic disorder and an anxiety disorder. I shall ask my therapist about it though to confirm my understanding. Ang intindi ko kasi from what I’ve read is that an anxiety attack happens when may kinakabahan ka talaga na something. Pag panic attack, waley daw. Walang reason at all. That is why feeling ko, panic attacks itey and not anxiety attacks lang. But then again, I’m a licensed Civil Engineer and not a doctor so there is a huge probability that I am wrong.

Mag-antay na nga lang ako ng Wednesday.

Anyway, a lot of you are asking what I do when I have these attacks. Apart from deep breathing, I go straight to the adoration chapel.

I frequent the Adoration chapel in Magallanes. I go there in the morning before heading to the office. Like I said, the anxiety is so great in the morning that mapapaluhod ka talaga while begging God to take it away. Since madalas I’m the only one there, take it away cry talaga ang ginagawa ko. The works mga bakla: tears streaming down with crunched up face with my hands pressed together in prayer. It makes me feel a whole damn lot better afterwards. Ang gaan ng feeling.

It was only late last week when I noticed that there’s a CCTV camera installed in front of the adoration chapel.

Hala. Napapanood yung mga drama moments ko!

Inayos ko na yung iyak ko after nun. Nahiya ako. Lelz.

Anyway, Arnaiz told me to list down 5 things I am thankful for everyday so for today, here are the things I am thankful for.

1. Anika and Alvin have good health.
2. Alvin turning 40 years old and having his relatives and friends over last Saturday to celebrate it. Ang saya niyang tingnan nung Sabado eh. Enjoy talaga siya.
3. The gift of family and close friends, I am indeed lucky I have them in my life.
4. Buti na lang masarap yung food ng chosen caterer ko last Saturday.
5. My blog readers who actually do not know me or haven’t met me yet pero super support talaga with what I am going through now.

I’m planning a get together with my blog readers this quarter. Dun tayo ulit sa Bliss Bowls kasi super sarap and napaka-conducive sa chikahan. Depending on how many would want to join, we’ll do batches. 16 lang kasi ang kaya i-accommodate at a given time.

With that, please do comment below if you are interested to join, ayt? The first batch will most probably happen this February. I’ll make it on a Saturday para weekend =)

Osha, I shall finish na this episode of The Crown. It’s sooooo addicting!

Good night y’all!

For the past few weeks, Anika has been practicing at school because she was one of the chosen pupils to perform at their school’s variety show. Apart from that, all students are practicing also for the annual field demo performance. So yung schedule niya sa school including what they should do and wear daily are pa-iba iba. Pati dismissal time, pa-iba-iba.

Nakakalito ang mundo.

Before I continue, I want you guys to know na I personally check Anika’s school diary entries at home. Tapos ako ang taga mando what her yaya needs to prepare: ano susuotin, dadalhin and kung anong special that she needs to bring. In short, pinagtatanggol ko lang sarili ko na hindi ko naman pinapabayaan anak ko. Hahahahaha!

So anyway, this morning, I brought Anika to school. She was wearing her P.E. uniform, rubber shoes and a small bag that includes her lunch, water and snacks. Yun lang.

When we arrived at school, nagtaka ako kasi ang daming naka-big bag and normal uniform. Sa isip isip ko, “F*ck. Akala ko ba start na ng school fair today?!”.

I checked her diary.

Wednesday lang pala ngayon. Tomorrow pa start ng school fair. So yung outfit and things ni Anika, pambukas pa. Today is just an ordinary school day.

Hindot.

I told Anika this. I told her baka pwedeng her Tatay can bring na lang her uniform and things later.

Ayaw. Umiiyak. She doesn’t want to be different daw.

Osige.

I told her she can go na lang to my office with me and then her Tatay can bring her uniform and big bag to my office then bring her to school.

Ayaw pa din. She doesn’t want to be tardy.

Tardy. It’s been a while since I last heard that term.

I did everything I could to convince her to go to school. Anika said nahihiya daw siya to be different and tardy. I bribed her with more money fair money. Ayaw pa din.

Ang kinaka-stress ko is that they have a general rehearsals today for the variety show tomorrow. Hindi ko na lang sasabihin sa kaniya para ako na lang siguro ang stressed. Magwoworry pa yun.

So eto dinala ko sa office and asked Wowa if she can pick her up. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist later and I don’t want to bring her.

Annoyed ang Wowa. Sira plans niya for today. Hahahaha! Thank you Wowa for picking her up =D

Sabog lang talaga ang peg ko. But I know it’s okay. We are mothers and we are not perfect. That is one of the things I learned when I had these anxiety attacks. Hindi kailangan magpanic when things go wrong. Ano ngayon if hindi siya makapasok today or maka-practice? It’s not the end of the world. Okay lang din to commit mistakes. If one day, isumbat sa akin ni Anika ito, kukutusan ko siya. But I’m pretty sure hindi naman kami dadating sa ganun. Lelz.

Anyway for more positive vibes, I weighed myself last night.

Nagulat ako. Less than 110 lbs na weight ko! Wooohooo!

Maliit akong babae mga, teh. Maliit meaning pandak. My height is 4 feet 11 inches. Kaya pagumabot ako ng 110 lbs. malusog na ako tingnan.

However, hindi ko naman sinasadya magpapayat. I realized having a sound mind and healthy body is more important than being sexy. Eh kaso di ba I’m having a hard time eating last week. Ito na ang effect niyan.

Gusto ko tuloy magsit-ups and planking ngayon na. Nakaka-inspire to be more fit and stronger.

Mamaya magboxing ako. We need endorphins =)

Have a great day everyone!

We woke up extra early today to bring Anika to school and watch her variety show performance. We rode Alvin’s pick up para isang car na lang kami.

When we got to her school, I told Anika to go down para malagyan ko na siya ng make-up. Hindi ako maka-baba ng truck because I couldn’t find the other pair of my shoe. Lekat na yan. Wala talaga. I even checked inside my bag. Wala. I went down the car barefoot and searched and searched.

Wala.

I called the house. I told our kasambahay if the other pair was at home. She told me, “Ate, suot mo parehas na sapatos pagsakay mo sa kotse eh.”. I knoooowwww. I told her to check the street in front of our house where Alvin’s car was parked.

“Ate, nandito nga.”

Pakshet.

Wala akong sapatos. How can I watch Anika’s performance?! I wanted to cry.

Alvin was already calling his uncle to get the shoe and bring it all the way to Makati from Paranaque. I looked at my watch. It will take him an hour and a half to get to us. By that time, tapos na siguro yung show.

And then I remembered I brought my boxing stuff with me kasi magboxing ako later. Yung rubbershoes ko na lang daw suotin ko. I told Alvin hindi bagay sa dress. Sabi ko mag-gym attire na lang ako tapos borrow ko yung hoodie ni Alvin na suot niya.

However, while changing inside the car, napaisip ako. Mukha akong tanga naka-pang exercise while watching at the CSA theater. I decided to wear na lang the rubber shoes with my dress.

When I got out of the car, Alvin said, “Bagay naman eh.”. I made a sad face.

ANIKA: Hindi talaga, Nanay, totoo. Bagay naman sayo. Hindi siya pangit, promise.

I wanted to laugh. Anika would have said anything so that I won’t get upset na otherwise I won’t be able to watch her. She was looking forward to it pa naman. Kaya ayan, ganyan hitsura ko.

Anika did great in their performance. I posted a short video in my IG and FB page.

Alvin’s mom, Ka Lydia, watched Anika yesterday. Naiyak daw siya. She was so proud of Anika. Kanina naman, Wowa went with us to watch her. Nandun pa lang kami sa start ng program where we were all singing the CSA Alma Mater song, naiiyak na daw siya. Hahahahaha! I can’t blame her. Wowa has been going to CSA (and has been hearing that song) since 1986 when I first entered school until 2002 after our youngest brother graduated High School. Tapos ngayon nandun na naman siya. Nostalgic.

Watching her dance makes me realize that yan na siguro ang passion niya. She’s really good at it and she radiates a certain glow when she dances. She loves dancing and performing. I want to support her. Medyo kontra ang Tatay kasi her grades dipped last quarter. Mag-aral daw muna. Saka na daw yang dance lessons (and her gymnastics lessons). I know Anika can have high grades and have extra-curricular activities at the same time pero sumunod na lang pa din kami kay Alvin. Tatay siya eh. Padre de Familia so we have to follow (well, at least until Anika pulls up her grades this term). By then, may evidence na kami for the debate that I know will surely come.

Tomorrow’s Anika’s field demo naman so we will be going to her school so early again.

Osha, happy weekend guys.

Sorry ngayon lang ang post. Anika had fever last Monday and coughing like there’s no tomorrow until today. Nebulize siya with Salbutamol and we are making her drink Allerzet. This means ang panic episodes ko na naman since then ay wagas. Grabe ang palpitations. They’re so uncomfortable.

I called Alvin yesterday morning to tell him.

ME: Grabe palpitations Babe. Anxiety na naman ng walang dahilan. Pero feeling ko ang trigger is yung may sakit si Anika.

ALVIN: Di bale Babe, nandito naman ako for you.

I almost choked on my laway.

ME: Woah. Ano sabi mo?

ALVIN: Sabi ko I am here for you. Nabasa ko yan eh. Yan dapat yung sabihin daw sa mga may ganyang anxiety. Wag daw, “kaya mo yan”.

Mmm! In fairness, nagbabasa siya tungkol dito sa anxiety. Apir!

In the same conversation, we talked about how Anika is sick with cough and colds again.

ME: Ang hina talaga ng resistensya niya eh. Lahat naman ng vitamins iniinom.

ALVIN: Kailangan niyang maglaro sa labas. Fresh air.

ME: Sige, paglalaruin ko sa labas more often.

ALVIN: Kaso naman, baka ma-kidnap.

ME: Kidnap?! Bakit naman siya kikidnapin?!

ALViN: Hindi mo din masabi.

ME: Eh di punta na lang tayo dun sa mga places na open like parks.

ALVIN: Kailangan yung nadudumihan siya.

ME: Osige. Palaruin ko siya sa basurahan.

Kalokang tatay ito! Ang daming gusto hahahaha! But he’s right, you know. Ang lilinis ng mga bata ngayon. Remember back in the days, we were always in the streets playing. Kung saan saan ako umaakyat: puno, tambak ng buhangin, gates and kung saan saan pa (much to Wowa’s stress). Ngayon waley. They are always in front of the TV or with their gadgets. Tapos kulang na lang, paliguan ng alcohol nating parents all the time. So konting dirty lang, may sakit na agad.

Anyway, that’s not the topic for today. It was Alvin’s 40th birthday last week and I haven’t made kwento yet!

The night before his birthday, Anika made him go to our room so we can put up the decors sa sala. Sumakit panga ka kaka-blow nung mga letter balloons!

ANIKA: Nanay, are you running out of Oxygen yet?

ME: Hindi. Magkaka-beke ako dito.

ANIKA: You cannot have beke from doing that. That’s a virus.

Okay Shaira Luna. Ikaw na.

The next morning, Anika woke up early because she will cook daw breakfast in bed for Alvin. That means, her yaya will cook while I fix it. This is how the preps looked like:

Alvin dislike eating cakes except for Brazo de Mercedes so yan ang kanyang birthday cake =)

Temporary cake lang niya yan.

His real cake was made by one of his cousins, Nessie.

Astig the cake huh? Kaya naman you can imagine Anika and my sadness when Alvin said ayaw na niya magparty. Ganda talaga ng cake niya eh. I got that from one of the photos in the internet. You can order a cake like this from Nessie. Her IG account is clumsynessie. Message niyo na lang siya there.

Of course dahil special occasion, I asked Maggie of The Little Whisk Ph to make liquor inspired cookies for Alvin.

I love it!!!! Suki ko talaga sa cookies si Maggie. Take note ha? Super sarap also her cookies. Maganda na, masarap pa.

For the appetizers, I ordered these crostini, bread sticks and dips from The Village Bread House. Ang sasarap of course!

Here’s what I wore.

Top: FOREVER 21; Shorts: LEVI’S; Sandals: ALDO; Sunglasses: RAYBAN

Oh by the way, I ordered also the Pistachio crepe cake from Nessie kasi her hubby is a baker =)

Eto na, success ang aking pa-cater! =D

The guests loved the food from Mom’s Catering.

I ordered baked lasanga, sotanghon, roast beef with gravy and mushroom, chicken teriyaki (sobrang hit), pork in tomato sauce pero hindi ko alam ang title and fish fillet. Ako na ang nagprovide ng rice and drinks.

Wowa naman gifted Alvin with a lechon na the guests said malasang malasa daw.

I asked for where niya kinuha and ano contact number. Here it is: Donz Lechon (0917) 5532466

You’re welcome =)

Ang kamote lang is that wala masyadong photos during the party! Hahahahaha! Sobrang konti lang.

The lovebirds

Anika performed for her Tatay

Some of the gang

Alvin was able to blow his cake.

Mukha naman siyang masaya.

Hehehehe!

Belated happy 40th birthday to our Babe!!! We love you so much!

Dress: WOMAN SM Department store; Shoes; RUBI

Good morning everyone!

Before I start my kwentos, magbigay pugay muna tayo sa outfit that I wore during our company Christmas party.

I am seriously in love with it!

I cannot believe that I only got it from the women’s section of SM Department store. I was told that Anne Curtis wore a similar dress and I looked it up. Same na same nga! I would do a “who wore it better” photo pero nemen, alam ko naman na ang sagot. I dare not compete with The Anne Curtis kasi for sure pagfie-fiestahan ng mga bashers ko yan. Hahahaha! The dress was priced below Php 2,000 but I’m sure the one that Anne wore costs more. I looked up her shoes and well, ginaya ko na din. I found that white sandals at Rubi shoes. So weird because ang expensive pala ng mga sapatos dun!

Anyway, I’m still palpitating above normal. One of the things my therapist told me was to do different things or to try to look forward to something just to ease my mind off the palpitations. So yesterday, after my meeting in Pasig, I met up with Wowa at SM Aura. That mall is near where she lives and it’s along my way home.

She met me at Stradivarius. I wasn’t planning on doing any shopping yesterday. Ni-check out ko lang yung place kasi sale pa din. There were so many jackets and sweaters on sale! Ang gaganda. I wanted to buy this over sized pero sexy na knitted top however, lahat ng stocks may run. Sayang because 50% off siya. I tried this yellow faux leather jacket. It looked nice. Tinanong naman ako ni Wowa san kami pupunta why are we buying winter wear. Yan din kako tanong ko so tinigilan namin. Hahaha! Ending was I got this nice striped pants for the office for only Php 900 (50% off), a pair of shorts and a dress. I also got Wowa a striped pants but in gray. Ang ganda kasi sa kanya eh.

We had dinner at Providore after.

Masarap pala dun, mga bakla. Their servings are good for two so sulit na din their prices. Wowa said we’ll go back together with the family next time.

Kinabahan ako ng slight kay Wowa when she turned serious and talked to me.

WOWA: Ako, Nana, may sasabihin ako sayo ha.

Shet. What is it?

ME: What?

WOWA: Wag na wag mong aakuin yung galing sumayaw ni Anika. Sa akin niya namana yun! They didn’t call me the Dancing Examiner sa Sentral Bank for nothing!

God, I though kung ano na! Hahahaha!

Apparently, she dances Tango well and she performs every Christmas sa BSP parties.

WOWA: Ang galing ko nun. Kami lagi nung partner ko. Magaling kasi din siya magdala. Kaso ayun, hineart attack kaya hindi na din ako nagsayaw. Ayaw ko iba yung partner ko. Hindi magaling.

Ayun naman pala ang kwento ng dancing career ng lola niyo.

Kaloka! Hahahaha!

It was nice spending time with her. Good thing she’s retired na so pwede mo na mayaya on a whim.

Anyway, today is the start of our Middle Managers Development Program. I am one of the chosen employees in our company to attend the classes. Para siyang Master’s classes but compressed in 3 months lang. This is one of the things I am thankful for. Hindi lahat nagkakaron ng opportunity to have higher learnings na sponsored.

So there. I’ll also be emailing tomorrow those who I’ll be inviting for the Mommy Fleur at Bliss Bowl event this coming week. I’ll be choosing 15 blog readers. First batch pa lang naman ito so I am looking forward to meeting everyone =) Sa mga gusto pang sumali, kindly leave a message in the comment section below =)

Osha. Have a nice day guys!

Ladies,

I already sent out the invites to you for the Mommy Fleur x Bliss Bowl event next Saturday. Please do check it out and reply if you can go.

I shall wait until this Sunday 3pm for your reply ha? Otherwise, I shall ask somebody else na for your slot

Thank you! =)

Dress: Miss Selfridge; Shoes: NINE WEST

Hey guys. I hope your week went well.

Mine’s not that good bandang middle of the week. Last Wednesday and Thursday, grabe my panic attacks that came from nowhere! My palpitations usually happen in the morning when I wake up and right before 9am. Consistent yan. However, itong Wednesday and Thursday, ang wild nung attacks! It was so bad that nung Wednesday morning, while waiting for my classes to start, I had to call Alvin from inside the car. I felt hindi ko na talaga kaya. I was crying and panicking for no reason at all. Alvin told me to calm down and go na to the class and makipagchismisan na lang daw ako sa mga classmates ko. Inayos ko yung fez ko and went inside our classroom. True enough, naging okay naman ako ng slight.

When I went home nung Wednesday night, Alvin told me that he went to his mom’s house to talk to her about me. I knew nagworry si Alvin ng wagas kasi he doesn’t do that usually. Alvin also told me that he talked to Fr. Ariel (his friend and the priest who married us) about me. When I learned that, I knew worried na worried nga ang Sombrero. Nagpunta na sa pari eh. I also learned that my mother-in-law consulted with a doctor to ask what I can do to ease my attacks.

According to the doctor (hindi ko na papangalanan pero sikat siya), I should try to see daw a psychologist.

I said, okay. Hanap ako ng psychologist. I have not tried that yet.

Then low and behold, last Wednesday, my professor for my first class in our Middle Manager Development Program was Dr. Cynthia Gavino, PhD. She’s a clinical psychologist. She’s a lecturer and assistant professor of Family Ministries and Pastoral Counseling at the Loyola School of Theology in Ateneo. She’s also a senior family counselor of the Center of Family Ministries.

Pero para sa akin, isa siyang hulog ng langit from God.

For two days, we discussed about ourselves. It was all about getting to know who we are. Grabe ang kinalma ko after that. I love Dra. Gavino. She’s so good at explaining everything. Partida, hindi pa ako nagcoconsult sa kanya. I was just a student in her class pero I was amazed how she was able to explain to us bakit tayo ganito, san nahugot mga ugali natin etc etc.

Nung Thursday night, after boxing, I was crying all the way home while driving. I was so sad. Sabi ko bakit ba parang forever na yata akong ganito. Ayaw ko. I went to the Adoration Chapel to pray. Hindi naman ako masyado nagtagal kasi umaalingaw-ngaw yung singhot ng sipon ko. Nahiya ako dun sa dalawang nagdadasal so I went home. Pagdating ko sa house, nandun si Janis with our other childhood friend. May lakad siya pero dumaan muna sa house to hug me. I’m really grateful I have friends like her. Alvin told me to check out na the psychologist.

At the end of the two day class (dun sa subject namin with her), Dra. Gavino told us about the Center for Family Ministries. They do daw counseling. Perfect. Yung lang, ang layo ng Ateneo. Yesterday, I called them. Bakasakali ba, ganun. I was super happy to know that they have CeFAM also at Don Bosco in Makati! Magpapaschedule ako!

I have an officemate. I was telling him about the psychologist. Sabi niya para san. Sabi ko counseling. Sabi niya bakit daw hindi sa friends and sa family. Sabi ko naman, maganda pagnakakausap mo yung family and friends mo. Okay yun. Pero hindi naman masama kung isupplement with a psychologist kasi (1) they have a technical and scientific know-how for it and (2) maganda din yung may point of view ng ibang tao.

Di ba?

Of course, prayers prayers prayers.

Anyway, okay naman ako guys in some days. Meron lang talaga tayong tinatawag na bad days and I think that is fine. I just have to learn how to deal with it. I have to understand it. Keribelles mga bakla, do not worry about me. But super thank you for the daily messages. I really appreciate them.

Osha, I’ll tell you all about it pagnaka-punta na ako.

Good night guys!

Uy.. I didn’t forget. I said I was going to show you my house so here’s the part 2. I’ll show you our dining area.

This was the old house.

Ganito na siya ngayon.

I made the window bigger and ganun pa din, in black steel encasement. Alvin took charge of the lighting. You know that already.

Kung nasan yung santo namin, that is where our altar is. I need to buy a nicer cabinet or shelves. I actually found one na at All Home. I am just passing time before buying it. Baka kasi makakita ako ng better, magsisi pa ako. Pero I’m giving it a month, then I’ll get it na. If wala na siya, not meant to be. Ganyan talaga ang buhay guys. Minsan akala mo sayo na pero hindi naman pala.

Charot.

Anyway, this is how our dining area look like now.

Yes. I brought that mannequin with me. We gotta give it a name one of these days.

I got a nice curtain rod for the windows like the one in the living area. Ang mahal, hindot. But like I said, sayang yung ganda ng bahay if you will not take into consideration the details like that. Di bale, habang buhay na naman yan there so the cost per use will be very low #JustifyPaMore

Lelz.

I placed our mirror in that wall. Maganda daw kasi ang mirror in the dining area sabi ng feng shui. A lot of you are asking where I got that mirror. That was Wowa’s house warming gift when Alvin and I moved in to our very first house when we got married. The dining table, chairs and benches is from SM department store.

The lighting fixture above the table is from Wilcon.

The curtains are from SM also. I hope I can find a store na puno ang ng curtains. Nakaktamad lang kasi magDivisoria to pick fabrics then ipatahi na lang eh. Pero the best sa Divi ang choices, right.

There you go. Madami pa ako utang, I know! I shall post more about the house this week =)

May napansin ako.

I have so many clothes, watches, shoes and bags but I just often use the following:

1. … either black Nine West high heeled shoe or the Tory Burch black flats when at the office..
2. … my white Keds sneakers when going to our site visit..
3. … my black Uniqlo legging pants..
4. … my 2 pairs of Levi’s skinny jeans..
5. … my pair of American Eagle Outfitters distressed jeans..
6. … my big black Tory Burch bag..
7. … either my black and gold Technomarine watch for the office or the white Luminox watch when I do site visits..

Paulit ulit lang ako diyan sa mga yan every day.

What do this mean?

Hindi ko yan inenumerate diyan para ipagyabang that I have those things. Kayang kaya niyo din magkaroon ng ganyan: sipag, tiyaga, ipon and minsan, katakot takot na lambing lang ang katapat. What I would like to share with you is I realized, parang you do not need so many things in your life. For me, buhay na ako diyan sa mga yan. Regarding tops, napapadalas na white V-neck shirts na lang ang suot ko lagi apart from my semi business attire tops that I wear.

Pakshet. Tumatanda na siguro ako. I am finally maturing materialistically.

I have so many things because I like buying them. But in the end, ngayong nag-aanalyze na ako, ang daming kong things that I do not use. I just buy because.. umm… because.. because I like going to the malls and I have low EQ.

Malamang, you know Steve Jobs di ba? Pati si Mark Zuckerberg? Eh si Chistian Grey of 50 Shades? You know what they all have in common? They are all successful and rich people but paulit ulit lang gamit nila na kind of clothes and stuff. It’s as if they have a daily uniform.

Di ba?

I read somewhere that people like them are like that because they do not want to think about petty things anymore. Gusto nila yung iisipin nila ay mapupunta sa mga bagay na mas may katuturan. It makes sense to me now. It makes getting ready in the morning easier. Less stress kasi hindi ka na pipili masyado what to wear. Hindi nauubos yung oras putting together an outfit. Okay siya in normal days.

Take note of what I said, okay siya in certain days.

Meaning, in other days or special occations, which are coming less often to me now, I am still a girl who likes nice things and someone who gustong magdamit ng maganda for myself para irampa during the day.

So anong sense ng lahat ng sinasabi kong ito ngayon?

Ewan ko din.

Joke lang hahahaha.

I realized that it’s better to invest on quality things like shoes, clothing pieces, accessories that you can use over and over again versus buying a lot of stuff that just get stuck in your closets or shoe cabinets, forgotten.

Di ba?

Quality over quantity.

If I add up the cost of all the things that I do not use anymore, halos katumbas na niya ang ilan ilang na more expensive but durable things. Sayang pera.

I think mas okay yung ganung way of thinking of how one should buy things, don’t you think?

For me, as long as you like what you are wearing and you’re comfortable in it, I think hindi nagmamatter if paulit ulit siya. It’s practical also. And, the money saved may go to other better things like savings (oo, kailangan ng savings for rainy days) and travels.

If only I still believe in New Year’s resolutions, that will be mine. I will spend less on clothes, shoes and other things but I shall travel more with Alvin and Anika.

Anyway, on a completely different topic, do you guys love pens too? Ang addict ko diyan grabe. Minana din yata ni Anika yung love ko sa pens. So imagine how happy we were when we were sent these different Minions pens, highlighters, colors and other writing supplies from BIC.

So cute, right? Anika love them! These are available in bookstores nationwide =)

Osha, have a great midweek guys!

P.S.

Ang dami kong for sale sa @mommy_fleur_closet IG ko na hindi ko pa napopost! Grrrrr!

I often think if Anika knows how much I love her.

I hope that when she becomes a mom herself, she will look back and say, “I wanna be a good mother like my Nanay.”. Ako na siguro ang pinaka-masayang tao, pagnangyari yan.

It’s not easy to be a working mother kasi and I cannot help to feel guilty sometimes. Lagi akong napupuna. I don’t know but for some who think they know me, they assume that just because I work, hindi ko na priority si Anika.

Sino kayang loka lokang Nanay yung ganun?

I admit I am not perfect. But God, I love my daughter so much that I drop everything every time she needs me.

I may have made mistakes like, I allow her to binge watch Youtube videos online so I can have my few moments of peace at home. Minsan, I allow her to eat junk food so she can just shut up whining about it. There are times that her yaya made bilin na sa akin to buy her vitamins and meds but then I forget to buy them.

To all new moms who are probably palpitating right now, relax. It’s okay to make mistakes. There are no perfect moms. Real moms madami but perfect, I am sure wala. But you know, I realized that we shouldn’t let ourselves down all the time kasi for our kids, they will not want any other moms but us. Sure din ako diyan. Well, except pagdumating siguro yung time na magpaalam magpunta ng party of the year etong si Anika tapos hindi ko payagan. I’m sure worst mom ever ako but I know, based on experience, that feeling will pass. Lelz.

Isa pang trial and error sometimes diyan is yung things we use for the kids. When Anika was a new born, halos paliguan ko ng powder yan. Bawal pala because asthma runs in Alvin’s family. Ayan meron tuloy si Anika allergic rhinitis. So even though medyo sure ako hindi naman yung pagpowder ko ang super cause nun, I still feel guilty because baka may effect yun why Anika is being treated for asthma now.

Anyway, i-plug ko na din the Dove Baby products that Anika tried recently. It came in this sobrang cute native basket.

We tried it and okay the lotion, baby wash and baby bath soap for Anika. It’s gentle and mild. I can endorse this and you can trust the product because I saw that it moisturizes her skin too.

Ayan, gamit gamit na niya lagi together with her cute body scrub.

Here are the different products under the Baby Dove line.

Anika will be sharing these with her cousin Isabel. I know she and Faye will love it.

Side note, personally, I use only Dove soap. Hindi kasi nakaka-dry ng skin. Kaya super happy ako when Dove released products for babies. Confident ako ipagamit kay Anika because they are known to moisturize talaga the skin.

You can buy these Baby Dove products in leading supermarket and groceries =)

HOMAYGAAAAAAAD!!!!

Be still my heart.

Ano ba…

Sharonian ako, di baaaah? And I’m soooo kilig! Sobrang kilig ko nalimutan ko ang palpitations ko for a while today. Hahahaha! My favorite movie nila is Una Kang Naging Akin. Memorize ko yun mga bakla. Todo emote ako every time I watch that movie. Hayyyy…

Ang daming nagmessage sa akin when this commercial came out (thank you McDonalds!). You see, my relatives in the province call Sharon, “ninang“. Bata pa kasi ako, pinagkakalat ko sa madlang people na magiging ninang ko sa kasal si Sharon Cuneta. Idol na idol ko siya. Everybody close to me know that. Sino nga ba yung nagsabi na mukha nang aparador si Sharon dati? Gusto ko sapakin eh. Nagpigil lang ako.

Anyway, lalo akong kinilig when I saw the behind the scenes!

Ang arte ni Ate Shawie! They look so cute! I wonder how KC feels watching that. In fairness, the both aged very well, ano? Ang pogi din ni Papa Gabby eh. Sayang they didn’t end up together. I hope matuloy na movie nila. They were supposed to make a movie last year, right? Ang dami lang hanash nitong si Papa Gabby. Hopefully they’ll push it through soon! =)

Abang abang tayo.

Happy weekend loves!

Last Friday, my throat was sobrang painful. Ang wild. I told myself magkaka-sipon ako. I stopped kasi the 1000 mg vitamin C that I was drinking eh. Anika and Alvin had severe colds pero hindi ako nahawa because of the vitamin C, I think. Wala na silang colds so I kinda stopped drinking it for three days. My mother in law told  mali daw yun. Wag daw itigil agad agad kasi babagsak resistensya. Kaya pala yesterday, I woke up with a still very painful throat and a clogged nose.

Yeah, pati pala vitamin C kailangan i-withdraw ng maayos.

Anyway, I drank Decolgen and met my blog readers in Bliss Bowls. Ang ngongo ko and my head felt like it was floating. Nairaos ko naman ang Mommy Fleur x Bliss Bowls 2018.

When I got home, my slight fever na ako. I drank Tempra and took a nap. When I woke up, bumaba ng slight ang fever ko pero ngongo pa din. I asked Alvin if my MIL can find a driver and two more kasama because Alvin and I can’t go to the concert anymore. Manonood kami ng #PaMore concert.

Stressed na stressed MIL ko because she couldn’t find a last minute driver and kasama.

I checked my temperature again, 37.4 degree Celsius. My MIL told me wala daw lagnat yun. I was feeling okay naman despite parang kamatis na yung ilong ko. So gumora na kami with them to the concert.

I put on the most comfortable and decent outfit I can find.

I love that I was able to go out with Alvin even if we were with my MIL and his two titas. Extra sweet kami ni Alvin nowadays. Ang clingy ko kasi plus he’s making extra effort talaga. Sana lagi kami ganito. Kilig. Hahaha!

You know, I learned something. Si Janis din ang nagpoint out. Treat people as how you want to be treated. Meaning, mauna ka na maging sweet if you want to get sweetness. Totoo yun. Try niyo, go. Ako na lang ang nagiintiate lagi maglambing. Tapos, nagiging natural na. Then because of my anxiety, I learned to let go of menial things. Hindi ko na pinapansin or pinapalaki.

Like for example nagpapicture ako ng back shot last night so I can send to my cousin in law who sent me my new fab Kate Spade bag.

Kita niyo ba ang bag?

Hahahahaha!

I let it pass. Nilambing ko na lang ng, “Kitang kita ang bag ah!”. Hehehe.

Anyway, si Regine Velasquez, Ogie Alcacid, Martin Nievera and Eric Santos ang nasa #PaMore concert. It said in the tickets that the the show will start at 8pm. Sobrang traffic nga lang going to MOA Area. We ate around 8pm at Mary Grace then went inside the arena at 830pm. The show started around 9pm.

It was so sulit. The concert lasted until around 11:30 pm. Ang tagal! More than 2 hours! Ito ang mga shows na pwede mag-invest ng patron seat. Plus the fact na icons silang lahat. And magagaling talaga.

Looking forward to more concerts!

Hello muthers!

It’s been almost a week since I last updated. Ang dami kong kwento!

Lemme start with the most recent muna.

Last Friday, after my class, I went to see a psychologist at In Touch Community in Forbes, Makati. One of my blog readers recommended it to me. My counsellor was a woman (around in her 50s siguro) and she was very kind. She asked everything about me from my childhood to the present. So the first 20 minutes was spent with me making kwento from the time nagka-muang ako sa buhay until the present. I told her about the anxiety depression in 2003 and the one that I am experiencing now. I told her everything.

I was so amazed how she was able to explain everything to me after that. Ang galing grabe! There were no judgements and I had so many realizations. She told me not to worry because we will work out together how I will be able to reconcile the issues. Dapat talaga you complement your psychiatrist with the psychologist because you have to look for the main reason of the cause of all those feelings. That is important. Only after realizing the main cause, you work towards how to handle it. I think that is the right way how to tackle people with similar condition like mine.

I left In Touch Community na ang gaan gaan ng feeling. I felt so relieved to know a lot of things I didn’t know before. I felt hope. I told Alvin about it and he was happy too. Sama daw siya if i-require. Malamang ipasama daw siya next time so he can understand me better. Diyos ko, sana tuloy tuloy na nga ito. Sana this is it. I am terribly impatient to be back to my normal self. But I have to ride it out talaga and trust the process, so fine. The important thing that there are steps towards healing, kahit na super baby steps siya.

Kaya ang ganda ng aura ko kamo in this photo last Saturday.

After my counselling session I went to BGC to go around muna because it was so traffic going home. I bought books, ate shawarma while walking and bought some stuff at Stoked for Alvin kasi 50% off sila. At around 9pm I decided to go home because I was still going to pass by Janis’ house to give her something.

Pagdating ko sa Merville exit, sobrang haba ng line! I was so sleepy already. I opened na my car windows. I was vibering with Janis too kasi I had to tell her that I’ll be late. After 30 minutes in that stupid line to the toll, I tried to look for something in my bag when BAM!!!

Punyeta, I left my car gear in Drive and I wasn’t stepping on the brakes pala. I hit the car in front of me!

I got so nervous! It was completely my fault!

I went out the car to see the damage. Although mahina lang ang bangga because traffic, I saw that the car I hit was brand new! Wala pang plaka! Pakshet talaga!

A man started going out of the car. Paglabas niya, I noticed agad na millennial ang porma. Shucks ka-age ko. Baka magalit ng wild. When he went out, sorry ako agad ng sorry. When I looked up, first thing I noticed was pogi siya then after parang wait..

ME (to the driver): Oh my God. Wait. Kilala kita!

He looked at me and scrunched his face ng slight.

ME: Fleur! Ako si Fleur!

He was like, “Fleur!” and he made beso.

Tapos ako, “I’m so sorry! I’ll have it fixed! So sorry talaga I left the gear in drive! So sorry!”

We inspected the damage with me saying sorry like 10,000 times. There were like 4 small dents on his bumper. Maliliit lang pero bagong bago talaga kotse niya eh. Hiyang hiya talaga ako, men.

And you know what? The guy, a friend who for the life of me I cannot place saan ko ba siya naging friend, told me not to worry about it. SIya na daw ang bahala.

I was like, “Nooooooooo! Nakaka-hiya. Akin na please, ako na magpapagawa.”

He said wag na daw kasi wala naman umangat. Puros dent lang daw. Siya na daw bahala kasi covered na ng insurance niya.

I was super insisting na I’ll have it fixed.

DRIVER: Wag na Fleur. Ano ka ba! Maliit na bagay. Ako na bahala diyan. Sige na pumasok ka na sa car.

Insist ako ng insist and sorry ng sorry hindi ko namalayan, na-isakay niya na ako sa car ko. While seated, I asked if he can get my number or vice versa, tawagan niya kako ako baka he’ll change his mind.

Ayaw talaga.

I asked who was he with and he said he was with his wife and kid. I asked him to please extend my apologies. Okay daw.

So there.

I have kind friends. He was a gentleman all throughout kahit na I know gusto niya na ako siguro sakalin sa inis. I mean, sinong nababangga while in traffic?! Sobrang engot na talaga. Ako yun. Napaka-engot.

I just wish I can remember who he is and apologize and thank him again. Hanggang ngayon I am whacking my brains to find who he is. I know friend ko siya from somewhere. Hindi ko ma-place if from the village, in CSA or in La Salle. Work kaya? Parang hindi eh. Grrrrrrrr!

Anyway, I prayed last night to thank God for everything. I prayed everyday since January and I asked Him to please point me to someone who can actually help me and He did! I am going back to my counsellor next, next week. I thanked God also hindi monster yung nabangga ko. I cannot imagine the stress and anxiety that I would have gone through kung salbahe yung driver!

Di ba?

Anyway, if you need, here are the contact numbers of In Touch Community Services:

Website: https://www.in-touch.org/
Address: In Touch Community Services 48 McKinley Road, Makati City, Metro Manila,
​(at Holy Trinity Church Offices)
Contact numbers: +63 2 893 1893 / +63 2 810 6233

They also have a free 24 hour crisis line so you can call them whenever you feel that you need to talk to somebody. You can be anonymous so no problem:

+63 2  893 7603 (Landline)
+63 917 800 1123 (Globe)
+63 922 893 8944  (Sun)

I hope makatulong ito!

Top: UNIQLO; Pants: AMERICAN EAGLE OUTFITTERS

One of my adviceS to you regarding fashion is that if one item of clothing fits you well, buy them in all colors.

Yun lang, bow.

Lelz. But very true.

Hindi naman yan ang topic ko for today. What I really want to talk about is how challenging it is now to raise kids.

Tingnan niyo before ha?

When we were kids, when we did something wrong, papadapain kami then papaluin ng sinturon sa pwet. It doesn’t really hurt that much pero the anticipation of the belt hitting my buttocks is wild. I remember I was around 5 years old yata yun. We were told not to play on top of the sofa. Naglaro pa din kami ni Toots. Toots was like 3 nun ata or 4 years old. He was chasing me while balancing ourselves sa wooded arms ng sofa. Eh aabutan na niya ako. Sa excitement ko, naitulak ko siya! He fell hitting his chin on the wooden arms ng sofa. He cried. I went to him to tell him not to cry otherwise we were deadz. Paghipo ko sa chin niya, ang daming blood! There was a gaping wound on his chin which had to be stitched up. I was so deadz. True enough, when Lolo Papa went home, we went straight to the bedroom and pinalo ko sa pwet ng sinturon.

Hindi na ako umulit ng dangerous games after that. I became super mindful where we were playing. In short, natuto ako.

I remember pinaluhod ni Wowa one of my brothers sa asin because he pulled down all the naka-sampay na newly laundered blankets and pinagtatapakan. Wala, trip lang niya.

Try mong gawin sa mga bata ngayon yan. I did corporal punishment to Anika until she was only 3 years old. Nothing heavy. Pinapalo ko sa pwet. I see na natututo naman. Pero now na she’s older, hindi ko na napapalo. Kailangan daanin sa usap. Bakit? Ganun daw eh sabi sa mga “How To Raise Happy Kids” articles online.

Before, if you did something wrong, silent war ang game sa bahay. The parents will not mind the kids until magmakaawa ka na pansinin ka ng magulang mo. I don’t do that to Anika. May psychological effect daw sa bata.

Nagugulumihana ako sa “How To Raise Your Kids” articles ngayon. Ako lang ba or kayo din? You cannot be very strict kasi baka magsuppress ng feelings tapos magsuicide. You cannot be very maluwag naman baka maparaya.

Nakakaloka.

Wala kasing manual that came with them nung nilabas ko sa tiyan ko eh.

What I do is I combine the what I think good ways how we were raised with the things I read online with my gut instincts. Nanay ako eh. I am supposed to know what is best for my daughter. Kino-combine ko din with prayers.

I also stopped comparing myself with Anika. Nung bata kasi ako, I had really high grades. Walang tutor yan ha. Now, Anika’s bringing home lower than her normal grades. May tutor siya partida. I wanted to get mad kasi I know she can do better pero TV and play lang ng play. Reklamo ng reklamo when studying. But no.. I held myself back. Inaawat ko din si Alvin kasi kinagagalitan. Pero nung araw, Diyosme, papagalitan ka talaga ni Wowa. Her threat was no more volleyball and no more boyfriend pag I had a grade below 85. Mahirap yun nung high school ha pero nagsumikap ako kasi I wanted to play volleyball badly. Yung boyfriend, kebs. Lelz! Pero basta I bring home lower than the normal grades I have, galit na yan si Wowa.

So eto na. Last Mastery Test week, when Anika brought home her test papers, almost all more than 5 mistakes! Ka-stress! This quarter kasi the teachers don’t read na the test papers to them. Sila na bahala eh ang hina ni Anika magbasa =c She knew all the answers but she had a hard time reading. Pagsasabihan ko sana na instead na maglaro ng maglaro, magpractice siya magbasa. Eh she handed me her CLE test paper. Her teacher wrote “Honest kid!” in front.

ME: Why did teacher put Honest Kid in your test paper?

ANIKA: Because there were 3 items that I got wrong but she checked it. I told her that she made a mistake checking my paper. She told me I was honest.

Listening to her, I saw na parang wala lang sa kanya. She’s not bragging that she did it. Wala, normal.

Sumaya na ako dun. I felt we are raising her right. I’d rather have her honest and kind. Character is more important than anything. Pero that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t study harder ha. Pero I am happy Anika is honest. Tuwang tuwa ako. I can also see she’s growing up to be kind. Pinasasalamat ko yun kay God.

Mahirap magpalaki ng kids is an understatement. Maloloka ka. Malamang ganito din kayo, ano? =)

Top: SHOP.MYKA.LIMCHOC; Pants: UNIQLO; Shoes: NINE WEST

I know I’ve said this already but I really like the my Myka tops. They’re comfortable and fashionable at the same time.

The title of this post is Brain Vomit because that is exactly I’d like to do now. Bear with me, mga ateng at ang dami kong feelings today.

I know I am a Type A alpha woman. I want control over anything. I exercise control in almost everything that I want. I get what I want most probably because I only want what I know I can get. Gusto ko maayos lahat. Efficient. Ayaw ko ng nasasayang ang oras. I want everything fixed. If something is wrong, I find solutions to it and fix it. Immediately.

This poses a problem with this condition that I have now.

Alvin, Janis, my other friends, my psychiatrist and psychologist have told me this. I should stop being impatient about getting well and I should stop meddling with my medicines. I should trust the process.

Yesterday, I went to see my psychiatrist and he wanted to give me anti-depressants. When I asked why, he said that for three months since I first went to him, erratic pa din daw ako. Dapat daw medyo consistent na ako meaning less anxiety attacks. I told him I didn’t want to take those anti-depressants. I cried. Ayoko talaga. I don’t like the feeling after taking it. The doctor agreed not to give me mainly because the medicine will not take effect primary because of my resistance to it.

I know myself and I believe that I don’t need it.

I am grateful my doctor respects me and did not insist on it. He just told me that I should stop meddling with the anti anxiety meds doses.

Sa sobrang atat ko umayos, binibilisan ko ang pag-cut down ko ng meds. And then I get frustrated and anxious pagnagka-adverse effect because hindi tama ang dose.

I should trust the process.

It doesn’t help that I have GERD and phlegm now. Nakakadagdag pa yun. Sabi ko nga, kung tao lang tong sakit ko, nabugbog ko na siguro ito sa sobrang pikon ko.

Anyway, I promised my doctor I will follow his dosage and the process. I shall take it one day at a time.

I am thankful for all the support that is coming in. Thank you for the constant messages from all of you. Malaking tulong and comfort you. Alvin is always there for me too. Matiyaga siya. My friends are with me in this journey also. My staff has been understanding and helpful. Peachy gave me a statue of Mary Mother of Knots. Lucy Torres and Chuvaness lang ang peg namin, lelz. My dad messaged me to tell me to get a hold of an American bible. He gave me bible verses to read everyday.

I was apprehensive about reading the Bible at first. I don’t read the Bible. Hindi ko kasi siya nage-gets. Pero since my dad suggested it, I tried it. Nagpalpitate ako ng slight because I read there that hindi daw tutulungan ni God ang mga makasalanan. ‘Nyeta, paano na ako? I’m no saint! But oo nga we shouldn’t take it literally so I need a  little help with that. Anyway, gumaan naman loob ko after reading it. I read it twice a day.

So there, trust the process. It’s my mantra now. I say that in my mind repeatedly especially in the morning when the anxiety is extra hard for me. Ride it out. Isang year talaga ang gamutan as what I have experienced before and as what the anxiety disorder survivors said. Accept that I have this and believe that I will surpass it.

My concern is that I don’t like Anika to be aware of what I have. She’s too young to understand. One time, tinesting ko nga.

ME: Anika, do you think Nanay is happy?

ANIKA: Yes, of course!

ME: Why do you say that?

ANIKA: We have fun always. You tell me funny stories about when you were a kid before sleeping. We laugh. O, di ba, happy ka?

I thank God for that.