Anika has been bugging me na mag-ayos na ng hitsura.
ANIKA: Nanay, don’t put up your hair in a ponytail always. Put your hair down. Have na din a haircut. And let’s shop for new clothes for you.
Madalas yan ganyan. Akala mo naman siya manlilibre. Hehe. Makulit my mini personal stylist but so cute.
So before my birthday, I finally had my haircut by Rexcie at Coco Grace Salon at The Link in Makati.
ANIKA: I like it, Nanay. Ganyan dapat.
She’s the sweetest.
Anyway, it’s been almost 9 weeks since I started drinking my medicine. I am happy to let you know that I am now able to see the light in this tunnel that I am going through. The past 8 weeks have been hell and I am extremely grateful na nakakaramdam na ako ng ginhawa. I think I am drinking the right dose at the right time of the day which is night time. The nausea and emotional blunting are almost gone. I am able to function better. Not fully or normally like how I was before, but better. Lumalakas na daw ang boses ko sa work sabi ng mga officemates ko. Nagalit na nga ako nung isang araw sa site. Natuwa pa sila. I am back na daw.
I am praying that I am, indeed, on the road to recovery.
Though I still have my moments of extreme anxiety especially if I am anticipating that there is a lull or no activity for the day or when I am overthinking. I am still sad. I am still very sad. Still grieving. But Leah, my life coach, told me that sadness and happiness can co-exist in my life. Hindi porke’t malungkot ako and hindi pa fully healed, hindi ako pwede maging masaya. Pwede naman daw yun. So I am trying my best to find happiness sa maliliit na bagay. Bumabalik na din pakonti konti ang interest ko in the stuff that I usually liked doing.
I am happy that I am over the nausea already. Grabe ang feeling kasi nun. It pulls me down emotionally. Nakakapang-lata. I still have insomnia though. I still wake up at 230 to 3am but I am able to go back to sleep and wake up at 430am. Yun, hindi na ako makabalik sa tulog pero I am in search of tools how to be able to have longer hours of sleep. Antok nga lang ako lagi during the day but I will take this compared to the hardship that I experienced for the past 8 weeks.
The key is not to panic when I wake up early. I do breathing exercises: either the box breathing (4 counts inhale, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts, pause for 4 counts and repeat) or the 5 counts inhale then 5 counts exhale. This helps so much with the anxiety. Before sleeping, I listen to sleeping meditation in Youtube. Nakakatulugan ko yun. There are a lot of videos you can choose from. Pili ka lang yung type mo na voices that can lull you to sleep. May iba kasing boses parang nakakatakot amp yan. Parang may multo na nagsasalita. Wag yun.
It’s also important to have a routine before bed. As much as possible, sleep at the same time every night. So around 9pm, I have na my Chamomile tea with Manuka honey. I read the Bible, do my devotionals and pray. I do 10 minute relaxing yoga. Tapos as much as possible, I don’t browse my phone anymore. Nakikipagkwentuhan na lang ako kay Anika before sleeping. When Anika hears na the voice of my sleep meditation videos, alam na niya that it’s time to sleep.
In the morning, it’s still the same. I wake Anika up, do morning meditation, pray, do yoga and then get ready for work.
I cannot stress how important routine is if you have this thing like mine.
Again, don’t get me wrong. There are mornings pa din na when I wake up, hirap ako. Especially when nararamdaman ko yung being alone and scared. Nilalabanan ko lang. It’s a conscious effort. Paulit ulit yan. Nakakapagod, yes, but if that is what it will take for me to get better and be better, so be it.
Apart from the improvement of how I look like – hindi na daw ako mukhang matandang may sakit na nabinat and medyo maaliwalas na daw hitsura ko, my appetite improved too. Last Saturday, I almost finished my favorite dessert at Chicken Bacolod. Yung suman with mango? Sarap eh. It was the first time I ate something with gusto. My Ate Amor (one of my eldest cousin from my mom’s side) told me na happy siya kasi umayos ayos na daw porma ko. Hindi na daw ako mukhang nakapang bahay sa mall. She went with me to shop for shorts and pants last weekend.
Did I tell you that I went from size 10 to size 2?
Yeah.
Hopefully with my GERD not acting up, I can eat normally again then be able to gain a little weight. Kahit tumungtong lang ako sa 100 lbs ulit. Keri na yun.
Then I will start boxing again. I need endorphins.
I’d like to be able to smile and laugh more too. Dadating din tayo diyan. Baby steps. At the moment, I am very thankful for where I am now. I don’t want to go back anymore to that time when I was adjusting to the meds. More positive thinking. More surrendering to God.
Amen.