One of my concerns before the holidays started was WALA AKONG GAGAWIN SA BAKASYON. I told you that in my previous blog entry.
For people with condition like mine, hindi cool yung naka-tengga ka lang sa bahay. It makes me overthink more. It makes me anxious and sadder. Hindi talaga okay. Eh ilang araw yun, di ba?
I prayed and prayed. Thank God, nairaos ko yung 2 weeks na walang pasok. I made a calendar. I planned out what to do every day: morning, lunch and afternoon. God is good because, in most days, my calendar was filled with people to meet and things to do. My friends helped me. My cousins helped me. Although there were days na pilit na pilit talaga, makalakad lang and not stay home especially in the morning.
Nawalan lang ako ng lakad nung December 31 kasi wala na talaga ako mayaya and nung January 1. These were extra difficult days for me pero I was able to go through it and that’s what’s important. It was definitely not easy. May mga self-pity days ako because I felt na parang I needed to “beg” pa or convince people to go with me. Nasan yung mga nagmamahal sa akin?! Bakit wala ako makasama? Ang lakas to feel alone. It was the depression talking, I know. Sa condition ko na ito, not everything that I think about is true. I kept on repeating that to myself. I also know na this is the the busiest time of the year and I understand why a lot of people were not available. May kanya kanyang buhay and all. May kanya kanyang lakad, errands and parties. Napakalungkot lang talaga. I was just wishing the holidays to be over para magsimula na yung normal days ko. Nadisorient ako nung nagulo yung normal routine ko. I wanted my routine back kasi it made me feel safe.
Tinulungan ko naman mga bakla sarili ko. Find something to do daw. I did. Nalinis ko bakuran namin. Three times. I journaled. I did yoga. Madaming yoga. Wala na ako matapon sa closet ko kasi I just purged it. A few months back, I already gave away the clothes that were too small for me. If I purge again, wala na matitira sa mga damit ko. Lahat kasi sila maluluwag. I know madaming pwedeng ibang gawin but if you have emotional blunting, it’s easier said than done.
Nevertheless, like I said, I was able to get past those 2 weeks and I am very grateful.
I was even able to join Anika, my dad, Noel, Toots and Russ for a Breakout Room game at Edsa Shangri-la Mall. Anak ng tinapa, hindi ko lang marerecommend yun if hindi maganda pakiramdam mo. Ang kulob sa loob eh. It entailed madaming mind setting for me. Ayaw ko naman lumabas kasi I knew how much Anika wanted to play and how much she wanted me to be there too. Tiniis ko talaga.
Ayun, naging MVP pa ako nung game. Ang dami kong nasolve na clues while naka-tulala lang. Hahaha! Even the last clue for us to be able to get out, ako naka-solve. And to think, a few minutes before that, I was sitting down na and was counting the seconds until mag-end na yung game. Buti bumangon ako and checked ano ba yung pinagkakaguluhan nila. I got the clue and gave the lock combination kay Toots. Ayun. We won. We were able to solve the room, 2 minutes before the deadline.
Partida, baldado pa ako niyan ha. Charot.
If it were up to me, I would take a pill that could knock me down from Christmas to New Year to my birthday. January 3, 2023 na ang gusto kong balik sa mundong ito. Sorry ang nega pero nagpapakatotoo lang ako. Ang dami nagsasabi ng i-try, i-try, i-try ko maging happy. Tragis. Kung sila kaya mapunta sa situation ko, ewan ko lang kung same pa din sabihin nila.
Ewan ko lang kung makapagsalita pa sila.
Isa yan sa mga ayaw na ayaw ko naririnig. “I-try mo maging masaya.” I know they mean well pero tae yan. Ano akala nila, hindi ako nagta-try?! Everyday, every hour, every minute and every second, yan ang ginagawa ko. Lumalaban ako para sumaya. Naghahanap ako ng something para sumaya. Mentally, I keep talking to myself na to look at things I can be grateful for para sumaya. Madami pang mga trigger na statements and comments that I wish people will not say to people who are in grief and have this condition but that’s for another blog entry.
Anyway, for Christmas, my family went to the house to have dinner. Early this year, kami na lang ni Wowa and LT ang nasa Pinas. Magaalisan na ang mga yan and that’s something I don’t want to talk about now.
I didn’t buy anyone anything for Christmas. I’m sorry to all. First time ito so I think excused naman ako. Pineda told me to try to buy presents for loved ones para may magawa ako and baka ma-enjoy ko. I tried pero wala talaga akong gana. I even forced myself to do it kaso olats. Sumakit ulo ko. Nairita ako sa mga naka-holding hands sa mall. I felt miserable when I saw families dining out. And wala akong ka-amor amor magshopping for anything.
Hindi nga ako normal kasi ayaw ko magshopping.
For my birthday, Bing organized lunch. Kaso sila lang ni Vivian yung pwede because marami ngang ganap ang mga tao. It’s okay. We will celebrate my birthday some other day.
Together with Anika and Lyn, Bing, Vivian and I ate at Palacio de Memoria. Okay naman. May kamahalan and maliit lang ang servings. Other dishes were good however, Anika and Lyn didn’t like the truffle pasta. Masyadong masabaw. One of these days, we’ll try again in that restaurant and I’ll make a more maayos na review. Maganda ang ambience. Merong 3 real airplanes. Balita ko bar daw yun. Pwede siyang date place. Maganda din for family celebrations.
I really appreciate these two. Kahit nakatulala lang ako, masaya pa din. Kay Vivian pa lang, buhay na buhay na sa kalokohan eh. I enjoyed watching the two of them magtawanan and magkwentuhan. We ordered a lot.
I also appreciate Janis. For as long as I can remember, sinasalubong namin ang birthday ko. Nung birthday eve ko, they were there pala sa labas ng bahay a few minutes before midnight ng January 2 pero tulog na kaming lahat. They waited for 20 minutes! Bumalik na lang sila the next day ng super mas maaga. Hehe.
That was how my 2022 ended and how my birthday was for 2023.
2022 was a year na gusto ko ibaon sa limot sa sobrang hirap. Looking forward to a much more better year. Yan alam ko na super redundant na ang (wrong) grammar ko pero sana talaga, praying so much, na this is the year I heal.
Yan ang birthday wish ko.