Two weekends ago, I attended the supposedly beach wedding of one of my very good friends in CSA. It was an Indian wedding and it was beautiful. I said supposedly beach wedding because the ceremony was supposed to take place in the beach but it was moved to a hall na lang because of the weather.
Anyway, we had to drive all the way to Acuatico in Batangas and stayed there for 2 nights and 3 days. Yung mga tao sabi this trip will be good for me. Makakapagrelax daw ako.
I’ve always wanted to stay at Acuatico. Lagi yan fully booked kaya never kami nakapagstay. However, it rained almost the whole time we were there. Si Anika and Lyn, nagswimming sa beach while I stayed sa shore with an umbrella. We spent A LOT of time in our room. If you have anxiety depression, hindi cool na wala kang ginagawa. Eh wala talaga magawa during the day. It was just me, Anika and Lyn. So I had anxiety attacks the whole time. I did breathing exercises and grabe talaga ang pagma-mind setting. It was exhausting and very difficult. I wanted another adult to be with me to be in charge but I was the only adult there. Yan ang hanash ko since I had this condition. I want someone else to be in charge so I can focus on my healing. Kaso wala. Kailangan ko pilitin gumalaw. Anyway, what I did that time was to pray, read the Bible, read devotions, messaged my sisters in CCF and called my friends.
I wasn’t able to enjoy the resort, to be honest. Naging happy lang ako kasi I was able to witness and be part of this very special day of my very good friend. If it weren’t for her, hindi ako magaattend.
I also realized that I am not yet ready to attend weddings. The ceremony was beautiful. Hindi nga lang ako nakapag-disengage. Ninamnamn ko yung mga sinabi ng pastor. I had to go out kasi ang sakit. Emotionally. Well, physically too kasi parang may tumutusok sa dibdib ko. When I went out of the hall where the wedding was taking place, I saw the husband of one of my friends. Naiyakan ko ng bongga. Hindi ako nakuntento, I went back up to our room and umiyak kay Lyn ng sobra sobra. Tears were falling and my chest was heaving. Partida my medicines turn me into a zombie mode kaya wala akong emotion pero napaiyak ako ng sobra sobra. Buti na lang Anika was in the bathroom, taking a bath. I was able to compose myself before siya matapos.
Lekat na yan.
I went back to the ceremony and had our photos taken. Sa picture akala mo ang happy ko ano? Ang dami din talaga naloloko ng photos. Hindi kita yung laman loob. Hindi kita yung depression. Hindi kita yung anxiety. Hindi kita yung pain.
The reception was held at the beach. It was beautiful talaga. Ang laki ng tent. Ang soshal. May fireworks. Fat Sessions was the band. The host was this famous radio DJ. Ang galing. Sobra daming delicious food. Despite all that, nakatulala lang ako the whole time. F*ck this depression. Hindi ako makapagenjoy. Pero still I am grateful I showed up.
This is what I wore. I got this dress from an Indian clothes kiosk at Edsa Shangri-La Plaza. It’s hand embroidered and ang ganda ng fabric. It’s expensive. Itatago ko na lang for future use.
Anika did my hair and make up. I was just in a bun supposedly. Nagkilay lang ako.
ANIKA: Nanay, magayos ka naman.
Ayun. She fixed my hair and I felt beautiful because my daughter was the one who did it.
It is difficult to attend functions if you have this condition. Ang physically uncomfortable ng feeling. Nausea was there. Emotional blunting was there. Anxiety was there. Nahihilo ako sa dami ng tao. Nahihiya nga ako sa mga friends ko kasi I was very quiet. I was just surviving the night. Nakikinig lang ako sa kanila. Had I been my old self, ang bongga siguro ng accessories ko and make up. I would have stayed until wee hours in the morning, having a great time. Kaso olats. I went back na to our room at 930am. I have to do pa my before bed rituals for my insomnia: chamomile tea, yoga, meditation, Bible and praying.
I wonder kailan kaya ako gagaling. Since cutting the dose in half and taking it at night 6 days ago, nabawasan naman yung nausea. Pero the sama pa din ng pakiramdam during the day. One of the improvements is nakakafunction na ako ng konti. Nakakadagdag lang talaga yung holidays sa extreme sadness. Then wala akong routine kasi walang pasok.
Please continue praying for me guys ha?