This morning I learned through a text message from someone quite close to me that she’s pregnant.
And it was there again.
I felt that awful thing in my throat every time a friend tells me she’s pregnant.
After I texted my congratulations and I’m very happy for you text, I placed my head on my table and cried.
I cried and cried.
Alas siyete ng umaga yan guys ha.
She texted me again. “O baka nagmo-moment ka na naman diyan.“
I’m not a bad friend, I swear.
I’m happy. Masaya ako for them.
I just can’t help to feel sad. Tears automatically fall down my eyes.
For every happy and excited pregnancy news that I get, I cry for that baby that I can’t have.
Another close friend told me, “Alangan naman kada magsabi na kaibigan mo sayo na buntis siya, iiyak ka lagi. Hanggang kailan ka ganyan?”
Hindot. Hindi man lang niya ako hinayaan mag-emote pa more.
But come to think of it, until when nga ako magiging ganito? I have told everyone so many times that I have conceded having another baby. I even blogged about that here that I will never whine anymore about not having another child. I even came as far as declaring I don’t want another baby anymore.
Lies. All lies.
I thought by thinking that way the pain of longing for the baby will disappear.
Hindi pala.
But I do not want to be sad forever. Actually, I know that I should be thankful because I already have Anika. Madami diyan kahit isa, wala pang baby.
I decided to write a letter to my baby who, until now, has not yet been given to me. I’m thinking baka in this way, lumuwag luwag ang pakiramdam ko.
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Dear Baby I Can’t Have,
Hi there, sweetheart.
We were waiting for you to arrive pero think I have to concede already that you will never come anymore. We were given a chance to have you last year but God had other plans. I didn’t even know I have you na pala when they told me I lost you. It was one of the most painful thing I have ever experienced both physically and emotionally.
You see, I have been wanting to meet you for 8 years now. Your Ate Anika is so pumped up being a big sister. Your Tatay and I have been trying but we can’t seem to do it right. When we lost you, that was when we discovered I have a disorder pala called endometriosis. That’s most probably the main reason why it was difficult to have you. My doctor made me drink a medicine that will make it close to impossible to have you. The medicine will prevent the endometriosis to do further damage to me.
I’m sad sweetheart. I’m very sad because we might not be able to meet in this lifetime. It hurts because I yearn for you almost every day. I want to carry you in my tummy, give birth to you, smell you, take care of you and raise you. I want to be your mom. I want you to meet Ate Anika. You will love her. She promised that she will take care of you. She promised that she will play with you. She asks for you often.
It’s been a year since that awful day and I thought I could get over it. Lemme tell you a secret, baby. I don’t think I will ever get over it. I don’t think I will be able to forget that I almost had you. Nandun na eh. Nawala pa.
I love you sweetheart. I love you even though I have not met you yet. I hope I will be able to be with you in another lifetime. I am really looking forward to that.
Love,
Nanay