To be honest, I’m afraid to update you guys that I have been feeling better these past 2 weeks. Better na hindi naman 100% because I still have talaga the downs. Pero I am very thankful hindi na siya like hell compared to the past 3 months. Scared ako to update kasi the last time I said na I was getting okay na, nagspiral down na naman ako. Pero now, I choose to be more positive. Yes, there are and will be bad days pero ang important is to look at how I am having more good days na. Plus I have more tools to manage this thing I have.
I still wake up in the middle of the night because of my insomnia. Ang batayan ko diyan is yung tilaok ng manok ng neighbor namin. I know, right? Bakit may manok sa village namin?! Anyway, if I hear the tilaok, that means past 3am na. If not, middle of the night pa talaga siya. I don’t look at the clock anymore. That’s the recommendation of my doctor, therapist and counselor. It makes me more anxious if I see the time tapos ang aga aga pa gising na ako.
I considered seeing a sleep doctor however my doctor said na hindi naman daw ito primary insomnia. This is secondary insomnia brought about the traumatic experience or the big change in my life.
And then I fall back to sleep when I wake up ng alanganing oras. And then I wake up again, palpitating this time. Ganyan ako every morning. Kamoteng manok yan however, kasi tumitilaok na siya ngayon ng before 3am. May jetlag amp. Ang sarap gawing tinola. Nagigising talaga ako. I actually talked to our neighbor about that rooster and they were kind enough to transfer it to another part of their lot. Pero naririnig ko pa din. Hindi lang siya nakakagulat anymore.
Now that may ulirat na ako, I realized madami naging changes in me the past 3 months. First, I don’t wear make up anymore. Kinukulit ako ni Anika bakit hindi daw ako magmake up. Kilay lang nilalagay ko. But now, medyo nagaayos na ako pakonti konti. Second, my bedside table is filled now with devotional books, bible, prayer books, novenas and essential oils. Anika’s teasing me na magmamadre na daw ako. I pray over her kasi every night too. One of the good things this challenge has brought me is that I became more prayerful and I have a better relationship with God. Yan yung na-take ko for granted nung masaya ako nun. Kailangan ko pa sumadsad sa lupa ng bongga before ko matutunan magdasal ng maayos and malapit to Him and to trust Him completely.
Third, I try to be more positive talaga ngayon. Whenever bad thoughts come, I say to myself “I don’t do negative thoughts.” and then replace it with any positive thought. When I get up in the morning, the first thing I say is “Thank you God, nakatulog ako ng maayos ayos,” and then I say out loud ng paulit ulit “This is going to be a good day.”. After, I drink hot water then go out to do Transcendental Meditation. I do that 2x a day. And then I pray using the Bible app (YouVersion). They have there daily prayer guide. Galing. May mga prompts to help you pray. It’s good for someone like me who is still learning how to talk to God from the heart. And if may time, I do yoga. And then I get ready for work.
I’ve also been continuing my psychotherapy, Cognitive Behavior Therapy with Coach Aileen Ang, Heartworks Healing with Leah Eriguel and bible study with my DGroup. I have also accepted that I have insomnia and that hindi na talaga normal ang tulog ko. I just make sure that I drink my Chamomile tea with honey before bed, do my prayers and devotionals, try as much as possible magyoga and hope for the best na more than 5 hours ang sleep ko.
I don’t know if accepting my situation has improved how I feel now or finally the medicine is working (after 3 months of taking). Whatever it is, I am very thankful and I always pray na tuloy tuloy na siya and that I will be able to endure and not spiral down every time may down moments.
Another thing that I am doing now is I am watching the 70×7 series by Bruce Wilkinson. I highly recommend it. Our DGroup leader and my CBT therapist suggested it to me. It’s about forgiving other people and yourself. It says there that God will forgive your sins if you forgive the sins of others too. Nandun din yan sa Our Father na prayer, which is in the Bible too. And if you have unforgiveness in your heart, you will suffer and be tormented by God. We definitely do not want to be tormented by God. Nakakatakot. Besides, forgiving others and yourself is actually for your benefit. Para sa sarili natin kaya tayo nagpapatawad regardless if you receive an apology or not. It can give you peace. And peace is what I want very much now.
Bad thoughts still come to me everyday. It’s a little difficult to change that habit because my saboteur is Hypervigilance. Lagi ako worst case scenario and I always think about the things that can go wrong. Hindi na nga ako nagtataka bakit ako may anxiety. So what do I do when bad thoughts come? First, I write it down. Para hindi siya paikot ikot sa isip ko. After writing it down, natitigil siya. And then I write down my story. Ano iniisip ko about that bad thought? And then I ask myself, “Is that true?”. Most of the time, there is no truth to what I am thinking. And then I challenge that bad thought with “I don’t do negative thoughts” and then iisip ako ng something to counter that bad thought. After that, ayun ubos na oras ko. Time na to do other things. Hehe.
And then when I worry naman or if something happens that triggered me or if may stress, this is what I do:
1. I identify specifically what is triggering me or what my worry is.
2. Then I ask myself if totoo ba yung iniisip ko
3. Then iniisip ko ano yung learnings dun sa worry/stress/trigger that happened or that I thought of
4. Then nagiisip ako ng something I am grateful for dun sa worry/stress/trigger
I write that all down too sabay, “I DON’T DO NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.”
I’ve started driving again. I am scared to be alone but I started to face that fear. Para hindi ko mafeel na alone ako, I listen to podcasts while driving. Okay naman so far.
Tina-try ko din talaga yung going with the flow and relinquishing control to God. If I feel anxious, I will tell myself, si God ang bahala. Like what Leah told me, I do not need to be afraid or to worry because so far, 100% ang batting average ko that I get over my day in one piece.
And I am happy to announce that I have been eating na. Hindi na ako parang manok kumain ngayon. I need to gain weight ng konti. Kahit paabutin ko lang ng 100 lbs then I’ll maintain that weight na. Sayang naman kasi. Bumalik na ako sa college days weight ko.
Yeah, true. I do a lot of things just to get better. Ganun talaga. I want to get better for myself and for Anika. Kahit nakakapagod, sige lang.
Thank you mga bakla to those of you who continue on sending me messages and quotes all these months. I really appreciate them.
I’ll blog more soon. I promise!