My last blog entry was entitled “Kamusta”. I posted it last February 2023. It has been 4 months. My title naman for this blog post is Hello. It has been a while, guys.
I wasn’t able to blog for so long because tragis mga bakla, ang sama talaga ng pakiramdam ko. Hell siya. I cannot find the exact and appropriate adjectives that can even come close to describe what I have gone through and going through now. Yung mga nakaranas lang siguro nito yung makakaintindi. Hindot na withdrawal symptoms na yan. Parang tino-torture ka mentally while tinatrangkaso ka — ALL DAY, EVERYDAY.
I was saying to my friends, hindi ito kakayanin ng kung sino sino lang. Bibigay agad. Yung resiliency mo dapat nakacharge since birth to be able to get through this. I am not saying I am through it. I am still going through it. I have not fully healed yet. Hindi pa tapos ang laban.
On the brighter side, I have begun withdrawing the medicines last March 2023. If I were to go back, I wouldn’t have taken the meds. I can say that now siguro kasi may mga alam na ako na tools and alternatives how to cope with this. Totoo sabi nila. Paano nangyari na yung gamot sa sakit mo will make your symptoms sobra worse then you will feel better. And then when you take it out of your system, you will feel again all the sobrang debilitating symptoms that made you take the medicine in the first place.
Kalokohan.
Again, I am just saying this siguro now kasi I am undergoing trauma. Dati naman when I had this before, it wasn’t that hard. I took meds also before pero hindi ganito ka-grabe ang struggle. Maganda kasi support system ko noon. Support system is very important sa ganitong mga pagkakataon. Ngayon, tae yan, sariling sikap halos. Please don’t think of me as ungrateful. I have my loved ones and friends. They have been helping me and have been bearing with me since Day 1. But hindi naman sila laging nandiyan kasi they have their own lives. They don’t live with me. That’s the reason I often feel alone. I self pity all the time. But that is one of my realizations. Walang ibang makakatulong sa akin kung hindi si God and yung sarili ko. I am still working on that.
I’m halfway sa withdrawal period and I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I am trying not think or stress about it. Grabe kasi ang controlling attitude ko kaya nahihirapan din ako. Slowly I am learning to let go and trust God more. Siya ang bahala. Naka-one day at a time ako. Pagmedyo malupit, naka-one hour at a time ako niyan.
And despite feeling like crap, life needs to move on for me. I go to work. I run a household. I attend to Anika. I try my best wag ipakita what I am truly feeling and my true state sa kanya. Yung mga iyak ko, tago na tago yan sa bata. I do not do meltdowns in front of her. I do not want to burden her with what I am going through. Yes, she knows I am going through something difficult. She can feel it. Hindi naman tanga si Anika and malaki na siya. She’s already a teenager and she knows things even though wala kang sabihin sa kanya. Nakakaintindi na siya. Matalino siya. Madami siyang questions and I try my best to answer them up to sa level lang niya. Yung kaya lang niyang intindihin. Pero hindi ko siya hingahan. Kaya I don’t know how to answer the people who tell me na dapat alam ng bata yung pinagdadaanan ko. Para she can console me daw. Para daw may kadamay ako. I disagree. It’s not our kids’ responsibility to take care of us or to help us carry our burden. I feel that maro-rob sila ng pagkabata nila and it might develop a trauma later in their lives. I feel what’s important is open yung communication namin dalawa. We talk a lot. She knows she can tell me anything. She can ask me anything. She knows I’m not 100% and I tell her it’s okay. She knows that what’s important is how you get up after you fall. And how you keep on trying and trying to move forward despite sobrang hirap. And how you should cling to God during times like these.
ANIKA: Nanay, when you’re 100%, antayin lang nila. I will get you revenge clothes, do your hair and make-up and they’ll be like “You go, girl!”.
May ganyan. Hindi mo alam kung matatawa ka or what.
On different news, I am now 101 lbs. Wag na po sana mausog. My gym coach have been making me kulit to gain weight. Eto na, from 95 lbs, 101 lbs na ako. When I can eat, I eat. Because pagnagbawas ng gamot, I cannot eat for 2 weeks. Nauseated eh.
I am trying my best to go to they gym regularly (best talaga kaya pala last gym ko was last week pa, lelz). Hassle lang talaga yung nausea, dizziness and panglalata from the withdrawal. Yun lang yung nakakapaghold back sa akin maggym as often as I want. Pero magbigay pugay muna tayo please sa abs ko. At 43 years old, lumabas siya. Pak.
I hope I can blog more often. Ang dami kong posts na nasa draft! Yung Amerika namin ni Anika hindi ko pa tapos ikwento, mga ‘day. Hehe. Parang ang laki ng nawala sa akin na gagawin when I stopped blogging. I suddenly had so much spare time. Ayaw ko pa naman ng idle time kasi yung monkey brain ko walang tigil.
Praying for continuous blogging na. Praying for me to go back to normal na.
Praying magkaron ng Mommy Fleur Day or get together very soon this year.
Yown.