I promised Leah that I will try to blog everyday. Kahit short lang. Pineda wants to plan a Mommy Fleur Day. I said better siguro if I blog more muna before the meet up para maramdaman niyo muna ulit my presence. Ang dami kong churva, I know. I have been stalling. I have been postponing. Hindi ako sure if I am ready already though I am feeling better compared to the past 21 months of talaga naman I cannot find the right one word to describe it. I want to use the word hell pero hindi naman ganun ka-akma. I have Anika and my loved ones so it must not be hell. Close to it lang siguro because of the extreme physical discomfort and emotional pain I have been feeling for the past almost 21 months
Anyway, I’ve weaned off almost all of my doses. Isa na lang sa gabi. Last month, I completely stopped taking the anti depressants, ang laki ng improvement sa pakiramdam. One of my doctors said that Brintellix is one of the most nausea causing meds. Sana di ba alam ko na yun dati pa *facepalm*. When I stopped it, nawala yung nausea. Imagine tiniis ko yun for seven months?! Imagine the physical discomfort all while trying hard to be productive?! Imagine going through the day na nasusuka and nahihilo ka. Imagine nagprepresent ako ng report sa ManCom na ganun ang pakiramdam? Imagine dealing with the daily tasks and struggles sa work, sa bahay, as a parent ng hindi mo alam paano mo aayusin pakiramdam mo. But that’s done. It’s in the past. I am going to heal from all these without that medicine. I have my CBT therapy with Coach Aileen Ang, counseling with Leah of Heartworks Healing and Ms. Malou of CEFAM. I have my weekly bible studies. I have people who truly love me. Most importantly, I have God with me. He is my Rock. Sa kanya talaga ako kumakapit.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
– Jeremiah 29:11
I feel better pero there are times in a day when I feel yung sobrang lungkot, dread, anxiety, worry. Sabi ng mga counselors ko, nasanay kasi yung brain ko to think that. Plus nagaadjust pa yung buong physical eklaver ko. Nagstastabilize pa yung hormones. These thoughts comes whenever. It comes more often when I am not doing anything kaya I am scared pagwala akong ginagawa. It also comes while I’m in the middle of the meeting that I am presiding, while I am walking, while I am doing burpees, while eating or while conversing with someone. Like now as I am writing this blog entry, meron. I am learning how to deal with it. I counter these thoughts every time. They are not from God so they are not real. I also write my gratitude list everyday. I pray a lot.
On the other hand, there have been improvements in me. Madami din nagsasabi sa akin nun. They see it in me and with that I am truly grateful. I look better na daw. Maybe because I gained weight already. I am more productive. I am beginning to feel like my old self again ng pakonti konti. Gusto ko na talaga magheal completely. I would give anything for it. I am doing all the work for it. But one of my counselor said that I should not pressure myself. I should be patient, lalo na sa work. Alam niyo naman kung paano ako magtrabaho di ba? Passionate talaga. Lumalabas ngayon yung naturaleza ko sa trabaho but I get overwhelmed. When that happens, I get frustrated. My counselor said na dahan dahan lang. I cannot go from 0% to 100% just like that. Dahan dahan lang. Consistency is better.
Okay.
And I know everything is on God’s timing. I don’t think He’s finished with me yet. Pinapatatag niya pa ako more. And everyday I pray that He gives me the strength to wait patiently, to have more faith and to believe in Him more.
Also in fairness, nakakatawa na ako ng totoo more often now. Dati kasi out of politeness lang. Ngayon, genuine na. Although, I am still very sad. I am reminded everyday of my present situation. It’s something I swore to myself na will never happen to me because of what I went through nung bata pa ako. But here I am. I have accepted it. Like what my friend said, you learn to live with an open wound. An open wound that I pray would close one day.
Osha. I said to myself, short blog entry lang. Ang daldal ko pa din pala.
To all of you who have been continuously sending me messages of comfort, of inspiration and of encouragement, thank you so much. I may not reply all the time but I appreciate these messages. I often feel alone in this struggle and when I read the messages and inspirational/biblical quotes that you send, nakakagaan ng pakiramdam.