This photo was taken when Anika and I visited my good friend Abby in California last year. We were in her convertible and we were driving to San Diego. Namimiss ko na yung ganyang ngiti and feeling. Yung masaya, nagaayos and nakakapagenjoy. But I was drinking meds that time. 3x a day. All my feelings were suppressed. Kalmado. Masaya. Hindi pala cool yun. You have to wean off from them eventually and then biglang sasampalin ka nung totoong feelings.
When you are going through deep grief or trauma, the medicines do not cure you of it. It can only help you cope day to day. Some people naman drink liquor and become alcoholics to numb whatever it is they are feeling. Some naman turn to drugs, gambling, partying, etc. Pero hindi talaga yun ang makakatulong. Babalik at babalik ka in facing the feelings heads on. That’s the only way you would heal.
One of the learnings I have is WALA TALAGANG IBANG MAKAKATULONG SAYO EXCEPT YOURSELF. People have been telling me this and I had a hard time accepting it. Ngayon ko lang yata natatanggap. Totoo eh. Other people cannot make you feel well. You have to do the work. It is difficult. Sobra. Nakaka-feel alone. But when I had a better relationship with God, I felt na Siya lang din talaga ang tutulong sayo on this. You have to trust His plan. You have to believe and trust kahit mahirap. Do not get me wrong. Hindi ako ganyan ngayon. I still struggle with this everyday. I still pray to Him to teach me how to put my faith completely in Him and to surrender. I still waver lalo na paghirap na hirap. Pero I go back up and pray. Lagi ko sinasabi kay God na “I know that you already have a plan for me. I know na malapit na dumating yung time na I can say that I am okay. I know hindi mo ako papabayan. Please lang po, give me strength and endurance to wait for that time.”. God will support you until His plans for your unfolds.
Speaking of support, another learning is, during your lowest of low, LIFE WILL SHOW YOU THE PEOPLE WHO TRULY CARES FOR YOU. Ito yung mga tao na talaga naman nakasupport sayo na hindi sa salita lang. Bakit? Kasi wala kang maaambag sa kanila during this time eh. Wala sila mapapakinabangan sayo. You are not a good company. Corny ka kasama. Kasi may pinagdadaanan ka.
You will be able to classify the people who says that they are there for you pero hindi ka naman kinakamusta ever not unless ikaw yung mag reach out sa kanila. And those people na nangangamusta pero hindi mo alam kung bakit. Wala naman follow through. Eto yung mga nagmemessage ng “musta?” tapos pagsinagot mo, wala na. Hindi ko na sinasagot yung mga yun. And those people who care about you pero hindi ka talaga masingit sa schedule nila. And those people na tahimik lang pero when you need them, solid yung help na binibigay nila sayo. And those who cannot be with you physically but messages you often and you can feel their sincerity that they care. And those people who are true to their word na nandiyan talaga sila for you. Meaning, initiates na samahan ka during the times na wala kang kasama, follows up on you, walang sawang nagsesend sayo ng mga inspirational messages and prayers, messages you to ask kamusta ka tapos talagang may laman and effort yung sinasabi.
Hindi niyo siguro maiintindihan ang mga ito not unless you have gone through what I am going through now. You might not be able to understand why this is important to me to the point that I wrote about it. In one’s life, when going through a difficult season, support from people you think care about you is very important.
That’s why it made me think about how I was as a friend before I went through this. Hindi naman din ako perfect. I realized I want to be a better friend now. But this time, alam ko na kung sino talaga yung mga taong nagmamahal sa akin sincerely and as we grow older, ito na lang yung people who I would want to keep in my life. Quality na over quantity. Sinasala pala kusa ng tadhana ang mga people in your life.